First and foremost……..sincere (not really) and deepest apologies (none of those a real either) for my lack of blogging for the past idontevenknowhowlong. Life gets busy and hectic….computers take a shit that they never come back from (what the hell IS a motherboard and why did mine “fry”) and well…..life with the ACTUAL penis people keeps me perpetually perplexed and confused. And in the very depths of my utter confusion…..the thought of blogging zips into my mind sometime around 2 a.m., when I’m desperate to sleep. And then…….pffffft…….gone the next morn. Oooopsy! So sorry.
Now…..back to fa la la la fuck this shit. Having suddenly (ok…not SUDDENLY, but you get what I’m saying) found myself ass deep in the middle of the holi-fucking-days, I’m simultaneously finding myself overwhelmed AND over it. Never mind that, at work, we were prepping for a huge Christmas auction the ENTIRE month of September……and October……and November. Our office, daily, looked as if Santa and his shitty, creepy, little elves vomited Christmas EVERYWHERE! Each day found me stepping over and under and through a million little pieces of (really early) holiday cheer. The over-abundance of all thing glitter, alone, made me want to throttle a cute little reindeer. I promise you that when you find yourself covered in that crap…..go home….shower…..and still find trace amounts that just WON’T FUCKING COME OFF….you would be quite stabby and cranky too.
After the hustle and bustle of the event that just wouldn’t quit…….I was smack dab in the middle of the ACTUAL holiday season. Suddenly……that fat fucking bastard Satan Claus is literally EVERY DAMN WHERE. And MY penis people don’t even seem to mind if they’ve already sat on his lap and begged him for all their little hearts’ desires 50 times already…….they’re ready to roll time number 51. And because they are actually kinda sorta cute when they cry (what…….crying won’t kill them) and plead for ONE MORE QUICK VISIT, I find myself visiting Satan Claus often. If only he distributed mini-bar sized alcohol to the parents whilst passing out candy canes to the kiddies. Now THAT would make me happy to see him.
Imagine the conversation :
“Hey there young lady….what do YOU want for Christmas??”
“Ummm…….I’m pretty sure if you were as real as you think you are….you would already know”.
“Hey……lookit here….I have these wonderful little bottles of liquid happiness”.
“YEP……THAT’S what I want…..gimme gimme gimme”.
“Have you been a good girl this year???”
“Nope…..not even close. But I promise to try harder next year…..and those will help me be a nicer person.” (((grabs anxiously at the little bottles of liquid happiness)))
At this point, its possible I might not even notice if my kids are around.
Anyway…….just when I managed to map the location of every Satan Claus in a 20 miles radius and then promptly proceed to avoid that shit like herpes……..
Christmas lights! Holy mother of fucking God……what is the damn obsession? Everywhere you look there are a plethora of blinking, twinkling tiny little bulbs of irritation……and blow up snowmen….and sparkling candy canes…..and those over-achievers who insist on having THE biggest…THE brightest Christmas display on all the planet. I live down the street from that guy. His entire front lawn (and spillage over to each of his neighbors, whom I can only assume approved) is literally COVERED with this nonsense. Every time I drive past his crappy little house, all aglow with lights that can probably be seen from space, I just have this overwhelming desire to drop kick a chubby little baby angel. I wonder if he’d mind if I suddenly just jumped the curb in my car and took out about 90% of his holiday décor??? Especially that giant and brightly lit ”Jesus is the reason for the season” sign.
To be clear…..I actually kinda LIKE the holidays. I enjoy spending time with the families and having time off from work. I LOVE shopping for my penis people and look forward to their tiny little smiles of delight when they open THE gift they’ve been hounding Satan Claus for. I don’t even mind the rude assholes in the stores this time of year……probably because I can do rude asshole times ten at a single moments notice.
But the fact that stores inundate us with Christmas beginning sometime in October and then remind us OVER AND OVER that Christmas is JUST around the corner no less than 20 times a day (thanks for amping up the panic that I will never be able to finish it all in time)…I find that sometimes I just want to climb under my bed in the fetal position, suck my thumb and hide.
So yes…I WILL wait until two days before Christmas to put up and decorate our tree. And it WILL come down the very day AFTER Christmas. Three days is about all my OCD can handle, with all of the clutter that somehow follows the putting up and the desperate need to dismantle quickly.
But I will only whimper just a little when I spot a Satan Claus out of the corner of my eye….and there’s a 90% chance I’ll give in and trot my kids up and on to his lap for just ONE MORE VISIT. I will make Christmas dinner and host the family here in an effort to make sure my kids have time to actually PLAY with their new holiday loot. I will enjoy the necessary solitude that accompanies present wrapping (this is actually a favorite time for me……AHHHH…..the peace and quite).
And I will happily wish each and every one of you a very happy holiday (rock your socks off on whatever holiday you celebrate) and prosperous New Year filled with cheer and joy……and lots of liquid happiness!