This past Christmas, as with all other Christmases, it was mom’s sole responsiblity to do ALL the Christmas shopping, including that which pertains to the little penis people.  The penis that created the other penises HATES shopping…where I actually kinda enjoy how cathartic it can be.

So off I had set, lists in hand, ready to do some serious financial damage whilst doing my part to boost the lagging economy.  Nicklas had LOOOONG since given me his list of requests for Santa, penned in his own handwriting and each item spelled as they sound.   Obviously, this sometimes makes it quite difficult to discern what it is he’s really trying to articulate.  And so, there amid the Transformers and Hot Wheels and Trio Lego Sets sat one item that I wasn’t sure I was seeing correctly —— Cheekobelow dull???   OK, amazing mom that I know that I am, a 6 yr old penis person had me utterly perplexed.  After a quick check with Nicklas, I was informed that this was a Ciccobello DOLL!  HE, yes I said HE, eats and cries and runs a temperature and has to have shots in his ass every time his cheeks turn red.  Nicklas particularly liked this doll because “he’s a Diabetic like you, Mom”.  So, without giving it a second thought, and appreciating the fact that my son has such a good heart, I set out to find Ciccobello.

I finally located him at the third store I’d gone to.  As well, they had clothes for him.  And feeding supplies.  I purchased these items, as well as a mini play pen and a stroller.  And a pretend diaper bag, you know, to store all his baby shit in.  I am nothing if not meticulous in making sure that Ciccobello would be well taken in the manner that he would be happy with.   I said “Cio” to the cashier about $100 lighter than when I’d entered the store.  I returned home very proud of myself and my super sleuth abilities.

That feeling of euphoria lasted right up until the moment I showed Ciccobello to Jeff.   The head penis person promptly asked that Ciccobello be returned to the store from which he came.  I pleaded Ciccobello’s case quite nicely…..I pointed out that having a doll would make Nicklas a better daddy one day…..I waxed philosophical on the merits of breaking down gender stereotypes…..and then I flat out refused!  Jeff would have to just get over himself and his need to protect his little penis person from real or imagined humiliation.  Nicklas was secure enough in his own boyness to ASK for a doll….Jeff would have to just be equally as secure in HIS own boyness!

Now, you might think that this would be the end of this happy ass little story.  You would be quite wrong.  Jeff could not just be content with the fact that Ciccobello was here to stay.  Nope!  He had to take it upon himself to not only OUT DO me….but rebut my idea of a moral toy with equally wicked ones of his own.  And that is how Nicklas ended up with a plethora of toys designed to injure and maim.  Jeff found him not one, but TWO soft pellet BB Guns and a Fully automatic BB shot gun….a sling shot…..apparently, the paint ball gun he wanted was on back order……

And so, Nicklas likes to take Ciccobello everywhere with us.  He goes out to dinner with us….to the movies….grocery shopping.   He’s quite a well traveled little pretend penis person.  But Jeff has also instructed Nicklas to inform those strangers who inquire about Ciccobello that his DADDY also got him BB guns and a sling shot and that his paint ball gun is on backorder.