WARNING!!!  OK, TO BEGIN…IF YOU ARE OVERLY SENSITIVE OR POSITIVELY HARD CORE REGLIGIOUS AND FIND HUMOR REGARDING THIS RAPTURE SHIT NOT IN THE LEAST BIT ENTERTAINING….YOU MAY JUST WANT TO STOP READING NOW.  CAUSE I HAVE NO PLANS TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU IF YOU FIND YOURSELF OFFENDED……

OK, so I’m pretty well aware of the evil shit I do…..just can’t honestly say that I generally give a crap.  However, in light of all this Rapture talk and the whole “world’s gonna go to shit May 21st”….it got me thinking.   OK, aside from all the funny jokes and debates that this debacle has sparked, at the very core of it is this….I’m certain my wee little penis people would be taken without a doubt cause babies are simply the closest thing there is to Heaven on Earth…..The head penis person is a cop and does nice things for people all the time, so HE’S probably going.  I, on the other hand, will likely not only be left behind, but God will just as likely reach on down and whack me on the back of the head and say “see, I TOLD you to be good, but you just wouldn’t listen”.   And even with the idea that there will be time for the unworthy to atone for their sins and repent so that they can go….I’m sorry to say that all the time in the world would probably not be long enough. So, while it might not happen this week or in October or even in December of 2012, one thing is certain……. The penis people in my life will be gone and I’ll be left alone.  And this, more than anything else regarding the whole concept of the Rapture, is what I’ve been pondering about.

OK, so I will initially miss the living shit out of them….especially those two small cute ones.  I will brutally cuss myself out for not having lived a better life so as to be permitted to go with them.  I will ponder  how it works…is there gonna be like some kind of  big giant daycare in Heaven for all the little ones who’s parents were evil wrongdoers and couldn’t put down their glasses of wine long enough to atone for their many sins?  Is God really prepared for all those kids….cause I know how much baby proofing I’ve had to do for just one……

Then, after the preliminary shock wears off and I’ve finished looting and pilfering the chosen ones’ homes for the good shit…..my thoughts will drift to this….this is quite possibly the first time in a long while that I will be completely and totally ALONE!  No responsibilities……no penis people hanging idly off my limbs and tugging at my clothes vying for my attention.  No mess, other than my own, to clean up after.   I will be able to eat in that truly odd way that I do that downright drives Jeff bonkers….It will be positively the most bizarre situation.  I’m one of those people who must have someone to care for at all times, lest I feel a bit useless.  And I’ve determined that this will be my hell…..for once I will have the opportunity to sleep all that I care to and will therefore be quite rested and ready to conquer all the challenges of mommyhood and wifey duties….and there will be no one there to bestow this gift upon.   And that is when I will have confirmed the fact that I’m in hell…..Until then…..cue the evil laughter!

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