Lately I’ve been attempting to find the meaning and purpose of my life…..I’m not sure what facilitated this pseudo mid life crisis, but I’m beginning to wonder (mostly just quietly and to my self) if I’m losing pieces of myself, maybe LARGE AND IMPORTANT pieces, by staying home right now with my kids.  Yeah, yeah…I understand the whole “spending the formative years with your children is SO damn beneficial”.  But I’m also a huge proponant for daycare and all the wonderful things that children learn in an organized and educational environment and the benefits of having a life outside of the safe confines of home (the kids mostly, but also mom too).  I could sit here and debate back and forth with anyone about why I’m all for the advantages that a great daycare will provide your kid.  I’ve been lucky to have great daycares (and GREATER people) and so I’ve always been supportive of all that is daycare and firmly believe that children need to spend, at the very least, the preschool year with someone other than mom or a grandparent.  No offense intended to anyone who feels differently….that’s just my take on shit.  Anyway……..

So as previously mentioned, I have the smaller stalker penis person hanging all over me every waking moment…and some that I’m not awake.  And with school out for the summer, I have the older penis person joining in on the maddness.  The three of us make quite a pair.  Most days, its definately two against one.  The two of them will always and forever have me out numbered and I swear they know it already.

This is our first summer together, the oldest penis person and I.  My first summer that I wasn’t working, I got knocked up and that wonderful-summer-that-could-have-been was just a blur of feeling like absolute dog shit and wishing for the sweet relief of death.  The second summer I was home, we had fairly newborn baby Joshua (who was kind of similar to a human tether to the house) and who was not very condusive to outdoor activity and, besides that, Nicklas was in preschool straight through mid-August.  So, Nicklas and I have actually been kind of enjoying this summer.  I try to keep us active while balancing it with plenty of down time chilling in the pool and playing tag and taking walks together, Nicklas and Joshua and I.

But, while I’m here enjoying my mommy time immensely (well…some days), I’m beginning to ponder the sacrifices that I’m making and the opportunities that I’m totally blowing right now.  I’ve only been out of the loop for about three years total and I feel like its been a lifetime already.  Not that I did anything really special or very difficult….I did AP/AR and Admin work.  But its the fact that this type of stuff changes so quickly and I already feel like I’d be a little lost going back to it after all that time has passed.   I keep telling myself that the job market blows hugely right now and if I can afford to stay home until it rebounds, why shouldn’t I.  However, when it rebounds….will I still be marketable?   Or will potential employers just simply wonder “what the fuck have you been doing for ____ years”.

And then there are the times that I get together with my working girlfriends and ask how work is going and then sit utterly mesmerized by the fact that they get to talk to ACTUAL GROWN PEOPLE every day.  They get up, they get DRESSED UP and then they go out into the world and spend the day having conversations with people ABOVE the elementary age.

They get to commute, which was actually my favorite part of any work day, hands down. I loved the moments from when I dropped Nicklas’s hand into someone else’s and hit the road until the moments I picked him back up again… blaring, smoking about 5 cigarettes during the ride, texting, screwing with the morons on the road who didn’t know how to drive, detouring when roads were closed and finding all these amazing alternate routes…… I swear, in my perfect world, I would be a taxi driver.  Give me a decent radio (or my MP3 player) and mostly open roads (limited construction is nice, but not entirely necessary) and I’d be one of the happiest people on earth right up until the moment I had to pick up a passenger and actually TALK to them.

Once I arrived  at work, I was that one person who was just irritated/pissed off/had an unpopular opinion to share/had shit to say and didn’t give a shit who liked it.  Some might call it being a shit starter, but I considered it more of I didn’t have a problem confronting people, especially those who were ignorant and needed someone to put them in their place.  And there were also people who I LOVED to talk to.  We could wax philosophical about religion and politics and moral issues and not take offense to one anothers’ opinions and be sarcastic with one another and joke around and mock and none of us cared.  We still walked to the parking garage at the end of the day as friends, postponing the continuing conversation until the next day.

Don’t get me wrong…..its not that Nicklas and Joshua aren’t fun to chat up…Nicklas and I have endlessly intense conversations about Transformers and the patriotic merits of the Autobots saving the humans on Earth.  I’m patiently teaching Joshua all the words in my extensive cussing vocabulary.  He should be exceptionally proficient in them before his 2nd birthday.  But my sarcastic wit and snarky banter are completely lost on them both.  And that sucks…..I spent years honing these particular skills and I have lots of amazing comebacks stored up and no one to verbally launch them at anymore.   And instead of recording memos and calculating million dollar figures…..I’m recording Spongebob for Nicklas so we can go take a walk and he won’t miss a moment of his beloved yellow twisted maniacal friend….and I’m calculating how long Joshua will be napping and do I have time to sneak in an errand before he gets so tired that his head spins and he goes psychotic right before my very eyes.  And my once-loved daily commute…….sadly, I can’t remember the last time I was in the car alone.  And I’m pretty sure its unwise to blare the radio and permanently damage your childrens’ hearing.  The cigarettes are gone now too……smoke free since February, but I still miss it and have slipped up once or twice.  And since I’m a mom with very precious cargo in my backseat all the time now, I can’t very well go all postal on idiot drivers and teach them a lesson in road rage at its finest.

And I sometimes just really miss it……….maybe not “everyday” miss it, but still I DO miss it.