Awww.....are you feeling the love???

Last night, the penis that created the other penises (aka Jeff) and myself were relaxing on the back patio (ok, to be honest we were smoking AGAIN–whatever, at least we’ve never quit quitting).  Jeff went inside to grab a beer and I was left to my own devices outdoors.  Our back yard is DARK!  Dark enough that someone could walk across it, and if they’re quiet enough, they would go completely undetected.

Just then…..I heard a loud rustling sound coming from the overgrown greenary near the back of our house.  It didn’t sound like a small something.  Whatever it was, it was moving with the grace of an elephant.   I  am a wimp.  I jumped up and sprinted the two feet to the patio door and the safety of the house.  Once inside, I informed Jeff that there was something out there in the yard.  “What  KIND of something?”  Jeff wanted to know, eyeing me warily.  He’s used to my irational way of seeing and hearing things that no one but me can hear or see.  “Are we talking a person or a thing?”  I had assumed it was a thing all along and told him so.  He grabbed his trusty police nerf flashlight from his Go-Go Gadget Police Belt and headed back outside, with me following right on his ass.  I’m a wimp, but I’m also nosy and I generally feel a LOT braver when there is someone I can coerce in to checking things out for me.

Upon shining his trusty police nerflight over the span of our yard (didn’t he HEAR me when I said it was near the house) he finally managed to find two beady little eyes shining back at us.  They were low enough to the ground that I was now pretty certain they didn’t belong to anything the size of an ACTUAL elephant.  But these crazed eyes WERE pretty damn close to us and they did, however, belong to a VERY large and ominous skunk.

I screamed louder than I suspect I’ve ever screamed in my life.  Almost simultaneously, and quite possibly in direct correlation to my shrieking,  the skunk turned his body in what I assumed was a defensive move in which he was preparing to unload a shit storm of foulness upon us.

I ran, still screaming, to the patio door and quickly deposited myself in to the safety of the house.  I had assumed Jeff had been right behind me, but when I looked back, he was still running toward the house.  Why was he so slow??  He can take one step to three of mine and yet I still managed to make it to safety quickly.  All that I could picture was this psychotic skunk beating him to the door and getting in to the house.  I couldn’t allow THAT.  So I slammed the door closed and, I will only admit to subconsiously doing so, LOCKED THE DOOR.  When Jeff finally made it to the patio door, he was positively shocked to find the door locked.  And I can’t really say that I blame him.  I let him in (FINALLY) and I can report that there was already a distinctive smell of skunkiness in the air.  I gave Jeff a sniff or two before deciding if he would be permitted entrance.  Lucky for him, he seemed to have escaped an actual attack, no thanks to me.

It was then that he turned at me with a look of absolute hurt on his face.  Or maybe it was ANGER??   Had I REALLY been prepared to leave him to fend for himself??  Ummmmm…..apparently so.  Besides, you were the one with the flashlight.   What if he HAD been sprayed????  Well…..the glider on the porch looks kinda cozy and seems perfect for just this type of situation.   Why did I lock the door????  Honestly, I have no idea, but lets just say, for the sake of arguement, that I was worried the skunk would be able to open the door and I was just trying to protect our wee penis people from harm.  While he was going over and over the scenario and revisiting my apparent disregard for him, I suddenly was struck by how utterly silly and ridiculous the whole thing had been.  And I started laughing.  And laughing…..and laughing.  I nearly pissed myself and found THAT even funnier.  The more I laughed, the more irritated Jeff became….and the more irritated he became, the harder I laughed.  I couldn’t help myself.  I kept picturing him being sprayed by the skunk and real tears of laughter would suddenly materlialize and stream down my face.  Could I somehow convice him that these were tears of sorrowfulness??  That my laughter, if masked correctly, were sobs of regret???

Poor Jeff.  I can’t say I blame him for being concerned that his loving wife locked him out of the house and left him in the backyard with a frightened and/or pissed off wild animal who’s not really known for its reasoning skills.  If the situation had been reversed, I would probably still be pissed off at him today/tomorrow/next week.   And if HE had laughed like a banshee the way I had, well…..he’d probably find himself punched in the face and would still be picking up teeth in the yard.  But, I’m happy to report, he’s fine.  He’s not angry, did not get injured, was not sprayed by a rageful skunk.

But I’m willing to bet that the next time I report to him that I hear or see something out of sorts, I’m gonna be handed a flashlight and told to investigate it on my own.