The reason he’s smiling is because he is RIGHT WHERE HE WANTS TO BE!!!
Dad is sleeping…..Joshua is NOT. Is there a problem with this??

I know I’m about to admit something that I’m convinced will find me in the annals of bad parenting, hanging my head in shame.  However, I’m pretty certain I won’t be the only parent wandering those very same halls.  In fact, when I’ve found the nerve to admit this openly, I am often met by a look of sheer relief from the other mom (while HER husband rolls HIS eyes and then commiserates with MY husband about how its bullshit).  SHE thought SHE was the only one.  I suspect that this is one of those dirty little secrets that many of us keep to ourselves and lie about copiously when scrutinized in a public setting.

Well…..I, for one, will be ashamed no longer……….

My older penis person sleeps with me every night and has since infancy.  Sometimes the smaller penis person does too.  In my own defense, this borderline-bizarre little social experiment began with the sincerest of needs to get a good night sleep and out of sheer desperation.  Jeff has worked midnights since his inception as a police officer.  Upon the birth of our first-born penis person and even after our second penis person came along, it was pretty clear that there would be no chance of changing his shift (not because he couldn’t, but because he didn’t WANT to) or his mind ABOUT changing his shift (believe me, I TRIED—-relentlessly).  There I was, a new mommy….and all alone with a sleepless crying baby in the middle of the night, SEVERAL TIMES a night.  When the wee first-born penis person was still waking up for feeding, or just for the sheer hell of it, I was the only one available to take care of his every little want and need…..and still manage to function the entire next day at work.  So, admittedly, there were many, many nights that it was easier to just bring the tiny little penis person to bed with a very exhausted momma.  Initially, I was amazed at how blissfully we both slept, together us two, snuggled together. I should have known, should have been more protective of my marital bed.  A few nights turned in to a few months……turned in to a few years.  And before you know it….here we are SIX YEARS later and still going.

The only difference between then and now is that Jeff doesn’t think it’s so cute any more.  He never REALLY thought it was very cute, but I’m pretty certain he viewed it then as something short lived and destined to end as abruptly as it began.  Now, he makes no effort to hide the fact that he finds it irritating.  Nicklas is a REALLY rough sleeper in that he is restless and kicks and moves around so much that no one BUT HIM is really able to sleep soundly.  Initially, I would put Nicklas in his own bed.  Jeff and I would go to sleep and before the first hour of slumber was up, so was Nicklas.  THUMP THUMP THUMP…..the sound of small feet pitter pattering their way down the hall to our room.  I would sling him up and in to our bed in one super ninja mommy move……generally without any conscious recollection of doing so.  Within what seemed like moments of Nicklas thrashing about, Jeff would get frustrated and grab his pillow and head to the peacefulness of the couch in the living room.  Soon, it became painfully apparent that Nicklas wasn’t going to be leaving our bed any time soon.  It was about this time Jeff declared he officially was taking back our bed, with or without me in it.  The choice was mine.

Of COURSE I chose my young penis person.  So, shortly thereafter, when Nicklas strolled in to our room in the middle of the night, he found himself strolling right back out…..with momma and HER pillow in tow.

The way that things have been working out goes a little something like this :

1) Nicklas goes to bed in his own bed…..happy in the knowledge that he’ll see me a bit later.

2) Jeff and I go to bed—-alone for the moment.

3) Nicklas comes in to our bed—-generally, I’m so tired I don’t even notice he’s there….

4) …….Jeff notices and politely tells us to go back to Nicklas’s bed

5) Nicklas and I head off to his bed….did I mention that its only a twin????

6) Joshua wakes up……sometimes the only way to get HIM to settle down is to bring HIM in the bed too.

7) There’s no room in Nicklas’s bed for me AND Nicklas AND Joshua…..

8 ) Jeff thinks maybe the only way to salvage this shitty night (and all the other shitty nights just like it) is to possibly just kill his entire family in some psychotic mass murder scenario…..but he loves us and would miss us (and prison would SUCK for a cop)…. and so he comes up with a different plan……

9) He offers to let Nicklas sleep with him in OUR bed and then I can fit Joshua and I into NICKLAS’S bed…

10) Nicklas is miserable at the thought of Joshua getting to sleep with mom and while he’s stuck with dad….and begins to cry and whimper and whine…..still not a scenario very conducive to sleep.

11) Jeff swaps me penis people and HE gets Joshua in our bed and I get Nicklas in his bed.

12) Joshua isn’t cooperating AT ALL……Jeff is growing cranky (or more accurately, CRANKIER) and exasperated and finally just says fuck it and tells me to take our bed and both kids and he sacks out on the couch.

Now, to be clear, I don’t get a sense that Jeff is in any way too upset about this.  He’s just as not used to sleeping with ME in the bed as I am to not being used to sleeping in the bed with HIM.  Truth be told, both of us do our fair share of pushing and shoving while deep in slumber in the marital bed, vieing for the space that is generally all ours individually Monday through Friday.  So, while I don’t think Jeff will ever admit it…….he’s kinda happy that I bunk with Nicklas.  Jeff and I get our snuggly time….we get our booty call time….we get our “fall asleep while spooning” time…..but he also gets the bed all to himself, which is how he seems to sleep the best.

And, hands down, my favorite days of the week to sleep are Monday through Friday.  I get to snuggle with my child (or, sometimes, children) and there is no one there who snores (Jeff) likes he swallowed a chainsaw.  There’s no battle over blankets (ME) -vs- no blankets (JEFF).  No one rolls over and accidentally elbows me in the jaw……oh, wait!  Nicklas does that too.  But his elbows are much smaller.

Regardless, I’m not sure how long this little depraved version of musical beds will continue to go on.  But I can also assume with a pretty good sense of certainty that when it ends……I will miss those two little boys and wish longingly for the days when we all snuggled together in the safety of anothers’ cuddles.

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