I’m not going to go over the do’s of sex….because if a man doesn’t know those by now…well….maybe he shouldn’t be having sex in the first place.

My girlfriends and I discuss sex pretty openly and fairly regularly.  I think our penis people would be surprised to discover just how openly and how regularly.  We sometimes discuss the shit we like.  But we mostly discuss the shit we don’t.  Its kind of a long list, which is pretty sad considering most of us have been married for more than a decade and have yet to point these irritating things out so that they don’t continue to happen.  But we know that the male ego is very fragile and doesn’t handle criticism very well.  So I though I would take a moment to compose the list of pretty irritating shit that we’ve discussed over the years in the hopes that maybe one day a penis person will stumble on it….and share it with the rest of the testosterone crew.   These may not apply to every mom (or woman)…….but I’m betting they apply to quite a few.

  • If our children are awake…kind of awake…just went to bed…are in that place between awake and the slumber state….you will probably not be getting any until at least one hour after we have ascertained that they are in fact asleep.  Because having a child unexpectedly interrupt you sexcapades is a total turn off and kills the shit outta the moment.
  • The same goes for crying babies (not the grown penis people, but the actual babies).  The only moms who can still focus on sex with a baby crying in the other room are bad moms who, frankly, should probably not even have kids.
  • Speaking of babies…..baby talk is positively repulsive.  If you use baby talk and call us mommy…..we will probably just cut off your junk and throw it away…because we will probably never want to use it again anyway.
  • Shut the fuck up!  Seriously!  Moaning and groaning is fine.  Talking incessantly is NOT.  I don’t need a blow-by-blow description of what the hell is going on….because I’m already HERE.  Running commentaries are completely unnecessary and make me focus on your hot breath that is inches away from my face.
  • Speaking of breath……if we had something particularly oniony or garlicky for dinner…please take a moment to brush your teeth.  Because, as a matter of fact, it DOES become much more pungent hours and hours later.
  • Since we’re already discussing matters of the mouth……if you burp in our face before or during sex….its pretty certain that you ARE in FACT a pig and most women I know don’t generally have sex with swines.  Just sayin’.
  • Be mindful of the time.  We’ve had a busy as fuck day and will likely have an equally busy as fuck day tomorrow.  At the first sign of yawning, please make the decision of whether or not you plan to approach us for a booty call.  We might still be interested at this stage.   Don’t wait until we’re nearly comatose from exhaustion and think “hmmmm…..NOW would be a good time to have sex”.  Because, truth be told, the window of opportunity is probably already closed and locked and has an armed guard keeping you for gaining access.
  • If you are interested in a blow job, suggest it once and only once.  To bring it up more than once makes you look pathetic and is a really big turn off.  If we want to provide this service we will authorize it on your first request or make it happen all by ourselves.  Furthermore, if we are quite obviously NOT interested and you try guiding our head into your nether-regions, you will probably be resented immensely and it will likely be a loooooong time before we visit your happy place again.  You might also find yourself getting “accidentally” punched in the nuts.  Nothing quells a mans sex drive as good as a nice punch in the nuts.  We learned this information at a very young age and aren’t afraid to put it to good use now.
  • While we’re still on the subject of blow jobs……could you please try NOT to shit within the hour beforehand.  Because the smell of sweaty balls is bad enough.  ‘Nuff said!
  • If you put your hands/finger/mouth some place on our body and find it consistently being removed or slapped away….take the hint.  We’re trying to be polite, after all.
  • Smacking our ass during sex is fine for the most part.  But if you smack it so hard that it leaves welts or knocks us completely off kilter……not so good.  Keep in mind we ARE NOT porn stars who get off on pain.  Same goes for hair pulling.  If you pull our hair hard enough to remove strands of it and simultaneously give us whip lash….you doing it too hard.
  • Please recognize the tell-tale signs that we’ve climaxed.  Yes, I know sometimes it confusing.  But TRY!  Because there’s this thing that happens once a woman has reached orgasm.  Our happy place starts to get a tad bit dry.  And if YOU haven’t finished….and are completely ignoring our signs that you SHOULD finish up already for fucks sake…you might find your little row-boat dry docked.  Don’t say we didn’t warn you!
  • Speaking of “hurrying the fuck up”…..its quite possible we are running down our list of shit that we need to get done while we’re supposed to be in the throes of passion.  And, it’s also possible that while you want to “make it last all…night…long” we DON’T.  To be honest, the idea that women want sex to go on and on and on is a myth…..created by the porn industry….to sell porn to morons who believe that shit.  While we really DO enjoy having sex with you (or else we wouldn’t have authorized it to begin with) we have a mental clock that is ticking in our heads.  And there’s a LOT of shit to be done and very little time to do it.  So, there will be times when we really appreciate the loveliness of a quicky.  Wham! Bam!  Get the fuck off me!
  • There will be times in our lives when we are positively busy as shit because we are moms.  We have a pretty extensive list of shit to do….and sadly for you…YOU are not on that list!  Get the fuck over it!  Neither of us is leaving the country or dying any time soon (God willing).  There will be other opportunities.  So when you see us in the midst of something like cleaning the house or caring for the kids or cooking or doing laundry….please don’t mistakenly think this might be a good time to approach us for sex.  Because even if we relent and give in, it will likely just be considered one more “job” that we have to cross off our previously mentioned list of shit to do.  And we’re pretty certain you wouldn’t be happy knowing that sex will be considered a “job” for us.  So just back up….give us some time to complete our tasks without pouting…..and (GASP!) maybe even help us out and there might be enough energy in our reserves to behave like a hooker later.  And if there’s not….just be grateful that we love your happy asses enough to hope that maybe we’ll find time another time.