I’ve always wondered how single women did it these days.  Penis people can be kinda icky on their best day….but some are downright scary and dark.  My sister is a perpetual single woman.  She’s dated scads of men…..had children with two of them…..but hasn’t found “the one”.  Of course, I thought a few of them could be the one….but it turns out they were SO nice and SO sweet and SO charming that you couldn’t help but wonder what the hell was wrong with them that they were STILL SINGLE (and also, just how many bones were stored under the floor boards of their homes).

My sister LOVES my head penis person.  He looks out for her as only a brother-in-law can.  She takes HIS side when I’m bitching about shit he’s done.  She always tell me she’s looking for a guy just like my husband.  I asked her if she thought he came out of the box like that???  That, my dear sister, is years and years (21, to be exact) of hard work to shape him in to the (sometimes) wonderful penis person he is.

And while I sometimes live vicariously through my dear single sister, I also almost always find myself wondering….how in the hell would I fair if I were to suddenly find MYSELF single??  I mean, all things being equal, I would still be a momma of two wonderful penis people but  I’d have an ex with a mean streak and a jealous side……and a badge and a gun.  That alone could make potential penis companions run screaming in the other direction.

But, to be honest, I have some very odd quirks and peculiar habits that I’ve grown so accustomed to that I barely even notice them.  And the head penis person has known me and my quirks for a hell of a lot of years, so HE barely notices them either.  But strangers who don’t know me…..THEY would notice them almost immediately and might even wonder (perhaps even out loud) what the HELL is the matter with me.

For instance……I eat in a very unusual manner.  I’m not a big meat-eater and therefore spend a LOT of time inspecting my food to make sure there isn’t any trace amounts of meat in it.  Specifically, spaghetti and lasagna.  I love it.  I don’t like meat sauce.  In the restaurants where they only have meat sauce, I still order spaghetti and lasagna…but I use my fork to slide all of the meat off each and every piece of noodle and then inspect them before they go in my mouth.  I also LOVE greasy hamburgers…minus the actual burger.  So if I order a Whopper from BK, I will order it as it is……then as soon as I get it, I will remove the hamburger patty and replace it with french fries and eat it.  White Castles hamburgers are my favorite….strictly based off grease factor alone.  But again, I remove the actual meat and just eat the bun and the grease and the toppings with a few french fries placed on top.  And I’m in pure heaven as I do so.

Food isn’t my only “thing”….  I hate to wash my car.  Absolutely HATE it.  Last summer, I think I might have washed my car a grand total of five times the ENTIRE summer.  Winter is even worse and its gets washed even less often October through March.  I also hate to vacuum or dust my car.  The mere thought of even doing it irritates me. I once had a girlfriend turn on my heat vent and when she did, puffs of dust and debris blew out and pelted her in the face.   Jeff usually gets sick of seeing the sad state that my vehicle is in and will go and get it washed and detailed for me.  But if I were single (and had no Jeff to do it for me)……could you imagine what it would look like??  I think I would be slightly embarrassed to even be seen in it.  And potential dates would likely only ride in it once and then never again.

I have a big mouth…..a quick temper…..and no ability to filter myself whether I’m intoxicated OR sober.  I have, on more than one occasion, picked fights with large burly men without a thought as to what was gonna happen when they got sick of my sarcastic little bitch routine and decided to just knock me the hell out.  Sadly, I’ve been in more fist fights with strange men than I have with women.  And more than once I came pretty close to getting the living shit kicked out of me…..or going to jail……until Jeff came to my rescue.  But if I were single and there were no Jeff to come and save my slightly psychotic ass, would some other penis person be so willing???  Or would they think “hmmmm….this bitch is CRAZY and I’m not going down for her”.

I often thank God that I don’t have to look for a mate in this crazy world.  Because, while I’m slightly off, most of them are too.  And while Jeff is ALSO slightly off, with his OCD and his sometimes grumpy-old-man attitude and his anti-social behavior, at least I already KNOW his type of crazy and have learned how to manage it.  I don’t know that I could ever have the interest in trying to learn someone else’s whole new brand of neurotic craziness.

So, to all the single women that I know………I wish you good luck sistas!  Because as far as I can tell…..you’re gonna need it!  No wonder there is such a spike in Lesbianism these days!

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