….can be a positively beautiful pain in the ass.  No, I am certainly NOT referring to the gardening variety.  First of all, you should all know me better than that by now and if I ever waste even a minimal amount of time on this happy ass soapbox of mine discussing something as boring as actual landscaping, I trust that one of you wonderful bitches or penis people who follow me will find me post-haste and pull my cool chick card immediately.

That being said, I am specifically addressing the issue of landscaping of the genital nether regions.    Just today on facecrack, a girlfriend of mine (let’s call her Roxie…because that’s what she’s asked me to call her so as not to be further embarrassed) posted a question on her FB page about “mowing the lawn”.  She had, apparently, been woefully unaware that this was even considered a socially acceptable practice.  She’s been married 20 years and this topic has never come up in general conversation between her and her spouse.  I am going to assume that she was recently in the company of some young 20-somethings (or possibly some over sexed horny housewives) and was thereby informed of this practice in very likely a lewd manner.

She was curious as to just what it was called….what horrific things it might entail……and why in the hell were women even bothering with it.  She was also just slightly mortified that she was oblivious to this “beautification project” and even further concerned that maybe she was being unkind to her wonderful and loving head penis person by neglecting this area of business.

While some of her friends and I talked her down from the ledge, we assured her that she’s probably already been minimally landscaping for years now….especially if she’s ever left the house and ventured out in to the world in a bathing suit.  At the very least, we all make sure that there are no strays or stragglers dangling beyond the swimsuit line…..lest we be confused as a woman holding a midget with an afro in a headlock using only our thighs.  Furthermore, what works for one person (or persons’ husband) may not work well for another.

Some women like to make a nice little landing strip for their penis person to follow straight to their happy place.  Some get creative and have all kinds of cool shapes and textures.  I find those people to be the most irritating.  If you have the time to have your hedges that sculptured, you obviously have very little time to do anything else…including have sex.  Some women like that happy nappy dugout…..letting it all go naturally.  Some women (and, frighteningly, a LARGE number of men) enjoy the “naked as a newborn baby” look.  What bothers me so much about men who like this look is that…..well….its a little too kiddie porn for my taste…..and I have a few concerns about MEN who are in to THAT look.  Plus, I imagine that to achieve this specific look is quite uncomfortable to attain and even more uncomfortable in the regrowth stages.

Whatever method you opt for, there is, apparently, an online tutorial aimed at making it easier to achieve.  I have attached a link Pubic Grooming……..though I will have to warn you, not a single one of them showed any shaving of actual genitalia (uhmmm…THANK GOD).  If you still are a little too unsure of you own handy work skills, you can evidentially seek the help of a professional pubic hair styler.  This person will be happy to coif your genitalia in any manner that you’d like and promises to ONLY talk about you and make fun of you once you’ve left.

Furthermore, it should be noted that men also do landscaping…..only its then called manscaping or weedwhacking  It would also be beneficial to all of you to know that when men, it generally enhances the size and girth of their penis.  If you’re tired of your head penis persons bushy ‘do, and they’ve been downright hesitant to do tend to it thus far, you may want to mention this to them.

At the end of the day……Roxie was torn between the idea of whether to landscape or not.  I think the final resolution came when she surmised that if her head penis person wasn’t complaining…….maybe there was positively  nothing wrong with her current methods…….even if they seem a little archaic to others (SHUT UP ROXIE, YOU KNOW I LOVE YA).

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