I have a very short temper and a really loooooong memory. I very rarely play the “forgive and forget” game.  I’ve been beating people up verbally and physically for most of my life (not ALL THE TIME mind you, because THAT would make me psycho).  Its not entirely something I’m proud of, but its me and I AM proud to be ME.  There was a fairly extensive period of time that Jeff flat out refused to leave the house with me and venture into public because I was pretty unpredictable (and probably a little unstable, if I’m being honest) and in the throes of seething anger and uncontrollable rage, there was positively NO reasoning with me.  I promise you, he’s tried.

I’ve toned it down in the years that I’ve become a mom to the penis people.  Its probably not very ideal to beat up or cuss people out with two small children in tow, watching your every move and gauging how they themselves will respond in the not-so-very-distant future.  And I guess there’s a part of me that doesn’t want my kids to see me in jail.  And I’m pretty certain that’s eventually where I might have been headed.

Strictly for entertainment purposes, of course, I have a compiled list of people that I will strongly dislike (notice I tried REALLY hard NOT to say “hate”) for all eternity.  I’ve confined this list to just people that I actually KNOW because if I started listing ALL the strangers that I’ve tussled with, I’d need a ton more time and room to compose this.  If these people on this list were to walk past my car tomorrow I would surely run them over…..then back up and run them over again.  If there were such a thing as a “get outta jail free” card, I would likely do much worse……

1) Jeff’s exgirlfriend from high school………She was truly one of the uglist people I’ve ever known.  And her ugly wasn’t even the kind that stayed inside her so you didn’t have to see it all the time.  She was REALLY ugly.  I can only guess that Jeff dated her as an act of compassion.  I once told him I would nominate him for saint hood based strictly off their relationship. She had a big mouth and started a lot of rumors about me….about Jeff…about us as a couple.  Some of these rumors found their way to Jeff’s mom and stirred up trouble between her and I.  One day….I decided enough was enough.  I would teach her a lesson on the proper technique for shutting the fuck up.  I formulated a plan in well under thirty seconds……..and then just walked up to her and pummeled the shit out of her.  If I saw her today….I would pummel her again.  Ya know….just for old times sake.

2) My paternal grandmother Alice (because THAT’S what I called her…she’d long since outgrown the niceties of being called anything else)……I know that there is a special place in hell reserved just for people who hate their grandparent.  I’m pretty sure that, just for shits and giggles, the Devil will place Alice and I side by side to torment one another in Hell’s inferno for all eternity.  She and I never really got along because I was my mother’s child through and through….and she enjoyed hating my mother thoroughly.  Because I AM so much like my mother (Ewwww….did I REALLY  just SAY that) Alice and I had a lot of issues.  She was one of those people who would say really hurtful things to you and then when you called her out on it, would hide under the guise of “just kidding”.  She once asked Jeff and I why we had so many “ugly tattoos”.  And then remarked that “when you die, at least we’ll be able to identify your bodies.”  After I had Nicklas, and was still slightly, ummmm, shall we say…. fluffy from birthing a child, she remarked that I should, at the very least, try to lose some weight and that maybe THAT would balance out the fact that I was a shitty, know-nothing new mom.  She was evil and liked to pretend she had dementia long before she actually HAD dementia.  This was her way of getting herself off the hook for her nonsense.  I like to think that God and I were great friends about that time and He gave her Dementia on purpose as punishment.  While she was very sick and very insane, my dad’s family was looking for volunteers to stay with her in her house and help her out.  My mom asked me my thoughts on my interest in pulling a shift in Alice’s little shop of horrors.  I told my mom it would probably be unwise, as I would not be able to guarantee that I could fight the overwhelming urge to smother her with a pillow while she slept.  They removed me from the helping list and I was very happy.  When she passed away, I paid my respects for no other reason than out of respect for MY DAD.  I was literally the only person that didn’t cry.  People found this odd and constantly asked if I was ok.  Seriously, I was good.  If I saw her today……first I would naturally assume that even hell had standards and had enough of her and regurgitated her back to us.  I probably wouldn’t beat her up…I was raised better than that.  But I would surely cuss her out (AGAIN….we cussed each other out a LOT over the years).

3) A former friend of mine whom we’ll just call C………C had a son the same age as Nicklas and our boys went to daycare together.  Her hubby was also a cop.  We all started talking pretty often and eventually became, what I now refer to as “lukewarm” friends.  Something was always very “off” about her but I could never really be sure of what it was.  Prior to my noticing how really off she was, Nicklas spent a lot of time overnights at their house.  I assumed their kid didn’t spend the night at our house because he was far too wimpy to separate from her.  What I hadn’t realized is that they were brainwashing my child right along with their own.  They coached him on saying the “N” word and encouraged him to use it freely at their house.  They told him bedtime stories about knuckle dragging monkeys with afros who killed people just for fun.  The taught him the phrase “white is right”.  They told him not to tell us because they didn’t know whether or not we were one of “them N word lovers” yet.  We went on a vacation with them, which it turns out was the trial period to see what Jeff and I REALLY thought.  We failed their test (THANK GOD).  We were called “N” lovers to our face.  Their house had a basement that we were never allowed to see.  I often wonder what kinds of things were kept in that basement.  My only regret with abruptly ending our friendship is that I didn’t kick her ass after I cussed her out…I can only blame it on being postively stunned at this new revelation and that my ass kicking muscle memory went astray.  If I saw her today……I wouldn’t waste any time with words.  I would just kick her ass.

4) My cousin’s girlfriend….We’ll call her H………She was very self-involved and also slightly insane.  While my beloved maternal Gramps was very ill and needing his family nearby, my hubby and I drove the four hour drive with our two young penis people to be by his side.  She promptly sent me a snarky text message asking why I hadn’t bothered to come and visit her while I’d been in the area.   I replied, equally snarky, and informed her that she was no one special to me and therefore, not really worth missing important moments with my Gramps.  We didn’t speak any longer after that.  Several months later, my Gramps passed away.  Within MOMENTS of my Gramps death, she sent me a text that read “Your Gramps just died.  My condolences.”  There was a smiley emoticon attached.  She somehow felt it was her duty to tell me before my mom, or anyone else in the ACTUAL family could call me.  I told her if she came to the funeral I would knuckle up with her and we’d settle it once and for all.  She came to the funeral.  People restrained me.  I dropped like 1000 screamed F bombs and promised to beat her down later.  All of this took place INSIDE the funeral home, there amongst my Gramps family and friends….and a Nun who’d been looking after him in his final days.  I don’t think Gramps was horified at all by my display….as he was equally prone to tell someone to fuck off if he didn’t like them.  If I saw H today, I would provide the promised beat down.  And hope that there were no well meaning fools (or a Nun) around to stop me.

5) My brother’s girlfriend….She will only be referred to here as Crack Whore…since that’s the only way I EVER refer to her (to her face/to others/in general conversations).  I sometimes find myself forgetting what her real name actually is.  She might not actually BE a crack whore…..though I’m 1/2 certain she is, based on the extensive evidence that I’ve managed to dig up and uncover about her.  She certainly ACTS a lot like a crack whore.  She nomads from house to house, family to family and friend to friend.  She stays, lazy and financially free, until people realize what a drain on their lives she is and promptly throw her back out to the streets from which she came.  She doens’t have custody of her first child, who is now eleven.  She hasn’t had her in her custody since she was three.  When you inquire about this…..she fabricates an elaborate tale of child custody issues with her former babydaddy and states that he kidnapped her daughter many years ago and has never returned her.  However, in stark contrast to this tale of woe, I’ve been able to locate PROOF that she was arrested for non-payment of child support for her daughter, in excess of $10,000.  There is also a notification granting her one hour of supervised visits per week AT THE SOCIAL SERVICES OFFICES.  I wasn’t aware that the courts enforced child support payments to kidnappers…..or that kidnappers would permit you to see the kidnapped child for one hour of supervised visits per week.     She and my brother now have a child together.  Possibly.  In that, I mean that I’m not entirely convinced its his child.  He’s too stupid to request DNA proof.  She claimed to have conceived with my brother at a very specific time.  However, her child was born more than 1 month early weighing in at nearly 8 lbs.  I call bullshit on this and will continue to do so until it is proven otherwise.  She is the direct reason that my brother and I aren’t speaking…..that my mom and I aren’t speaking.  I’ve cussed her out so many times that its almost pointless to even do so any longer.  So, if I saw her today, I would just pulverize her until she wasn’t even able to recall that our family exists.  Then I would hit her a few times more, just for good measure……and because it would make me feel better.

There it is folks…. the short list of the people I would still beat up or cuss out if I saw them today.  I feel better.  Thanks!