• You find yourself covered in cheesy poofs dust or poop or dirt…..or a similar equivilant……and you don’t even really mind all that much.
  • You’ve cleaned shit and urine and vomit from several surfaces……several times….on the same day.
  • You’ve been forced to explain the birds and the bees…or life and death…..to someone you’re still not quite certain was old enough to understand it…..because, to be honest, you’re not even sure that YOU entirely understand it.
  • You find yourself with a snack…..maybe even the last damn MORSEL of that snack…..and if a chubby little hand is thrust out in the hopes of getting some or most of that snack…..you hand it over HAPPILY.
  • You’ve timed your trips to the grocery store (or anywhere else for that matter) to coincide with the end of your childs naptime…..because a child who’s been awoken early will be a bitch to deal with and will therefore take precedence over anything else that needs to get done.
  • You have to remind yourself (or BE reminded) to take a shower…..because sometimes proper hygiene falls incredibly low on the list of priorities…..sometimes you even HAVE to put it on your “List of Things to Do”.
  • Your home is covered from wall to wall and ceiling to floor (and any OTHER available surface that doesn’t move or try to escape) with photographs of your child(ren).  You also send so many of these same photos to family and friends that one or more of them has been forced to remodel their home and build a new room to house said photos.
  • If pressed….you could EASILY find a toy (shit, SEVERAL toys) in EVERY SINGLE ROOM of your home……including the bathroom (bath toys aren’t even included)…….your bedroom (every time I move the bed a plethora of toys emerges and rubs the dust bunnies out of their eyes and thanks me for finding them)…….the kitchen (you can’t remove them….because that would eliminate the fun of tripping over them with hot items in your hands)…….
  • You know every word to every theme song of EVERY damn cartoon your kid watches……and find yourself humming it at the oddest moment (like while you’re having your teeth cleaned at the dentist’s office).
  • You’ve let your child watch cartoons…….they leave the room….or the house…..and yet the cartoon is STILL on.  You’re not sure why…….and yet you make NO ATTEMPT to turn it off.
  • You’ve caught yourself REALLY wanting to beat up (or at the very LEAST bip in the head) another person’s child…….and the parent…..for raising such an inconsiderate and hateful little shit who keeps pestering YOUR precious child……the only thing that has thus far prevented such an enraged altercation is the fact that its……well…..illegal.
  • When you imagined “baby proofing”, you thought you had it all under control with baby gates and outlet covers…..you never fathomed protecting your child from Plug In smelly stuff (one call to poison control)……diaper rash cream (another call to poison control)…..and an elaborate escape attempt from their crib (urgent care visit).
  • You don’t even bother to attempt to explain to your child that things like the Smurfs and Transformers and Thundercats and Strawberry Shortcake were things you enjoyed when you were a child……..because they don’t believe you ever WERE a child….and their also convinced that THEIR generation was the creative genius behind such things.
  • You’ve ever pretended to be taking a shit……in an effort to force your spouse (or the mailman) to deal with your kids for two fucking minutes while you take a stab at recalling life BEFORE kids……..BTW….that memory is SO distant that it’s practically archaic.
  • You can recall a time (MANY times) when YOU were in desperate need of a playdate……if for no other reason than to have your kids outta your hair and entertained for a short period of time while you commiserate with the other moms about life.
  • You were forced to move your behemoth of a stove (or refrigerator) to retrieve a toy that haphazardly managed to squeeze itself in those two millimeters between the bottom and the floor…..and then once you found the errant toy, you were completely unable to blindly ignore the dust bunnies that have taken up permanent residence in said location……and find yourself spending an additional hour (that you didn’t have) cleaning up THAT mess.
  • You’ve showered or bathed with your children more often than you have with your spouse.
  • You realize that your child has not yet developed their filter…..and repeats something horrifically embarrassing to someone ABOUT them (“mom, is this some of that bullshit from Grandma that you’re so tired of hearing”).

 

 

These are just a few of the things that I’ve experienced from my own life.  Please feel free to add your own tidbits of knowledge and wisdom as well………

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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