It is said (by lots of über smart people who I never really gave a shit about until this very moment) that the relationship between a mother and her penis toting child is a veritable tight rope of potential fuck ups.  Lean too much to one side and your precious penis person will morph into a cold and distant womanizer who thinks women are God’s gift to him.    Lean too far to the other side and no one will ever measure up to his momma…..he will be destined to remain single forever…..and quite possibly he will find his inner Norman Bates and you  will find yourself mummified in the upstairs bedroom for decades while he kills all the women he has deemed “unworthy” and….he will do so as some twisted means of paying homage to you…the only  woman he’s ever loved.

I’ve always been both wondrously amazed and epically frightened by the penis persons’ brain.  The things that topple out of their pie holes from moment to moment has never ceased to astound me.  I’ve come to think that I can no longer be stunned by anything  that a penis person could conjure up to say because I’ve often felt like I’ve heard it all…..until tonight.

I will preface this with the following explanation of my nightly routine…….please note how damn innocent and shit it all is.  Give it a minute….you will see just how horribly wrong it will go……

I look forward every day to the time between 8:30 and 9:00 at night.  I’m on the precipice of having the rest of the entire damn night all to myself.  All that stands between me and silent peaceful bliss is one of my favorite things to do……tuck the 6 yr old penis person into his bed and will him in to slumber mode with story books and snuggling and deep conversations about his day.  It’s such a ritualistic moment that the Dick (the hubby) has never EVER  been permitted to participate.  Its OUR  thing…..just Nicklas and momma…..

On this particular night, as I knelt down to give Nicklas his good night smooch and hug, my sweet lil penis person took a moment to inform me that whenever I give him a kiss goodnight “it makes his wiener grow bigger”.   Ummmmmm…..pardon me???   What the fuck did he just say??  Did I seriously just hear him tell me that he gets wood when he kisses me….his MOTHER…..goodnight????  Ok, I’m quite certain I was just tossed viciously in to some VERY  unchartered territory.  While I sat there thinking that I was doing a pretty good job of NOT  going completely spastic and ruining his chance of EVER   having a good standing relationship with his very own penis……..he took this opportunity to further kill me off slowly…….he pounced up in his bed and, before I knew what was happening, he tugged his pj bottoms down and said “look momma…..your kisses make this thing HUGE“.     ((((INSERT MASS HYSTERIA…..HERE))))

With as much calm as I could possibly muster in that moment….I told him that his penis should only be out and about if he’s taking a piss….getting dressed…or he is alone in his room by himself.   I, in no way, had any intention of making him feel ashamed of having a hard-on.  I just want him to know that in general day-to-day existence (and in the presence of others) its socially unacceptable to place it so blatantly on display for all to see………unless your a Chippendale dancer….and even those assholes never went all full-monty on people.

After leaving his room, with the penis person well on his way to a deep slumber, I had a freaking the fuck out skeeved beyond all repair  moment…..screw that….it was a full-blown EPISODE!   I did the only thing I could think to do in this situation….I took that misery I was feeling and headed straight to Facebook for advice.   My mom friends, who are some of the wisest and funniest bitches I’ve ever been lucky enough to be surrounded by, commiserated with me….talked (typed) to me in that way that you would use on a mental patient to invoke a calming down and cheered me up all at once.  They LOLed all over the place.  They shared their own stories with me in a vain attempt to make me (and this entire nutty situation) feel almost like normal.  By the time it was all said and done…..I was able to find the humor in the craziness as well.  I was, almost at once, back to my old happy, joking self.  I even decided to print, and save forever, the post and comments from my facebook page.  I will preserve this bit of lunacy for a moment, years from now, when my son is married with young penis people of his own.  I will untuck it from its safety of his  baby book and thrust it in his face.  He and I, or maybe his wife and I, will laugh hysterically over it.  Even now…..hours later….I can find a smidgen of humor there in the throes of the significant unpleasantness.


AHHHHHH……its official……penis people will NEVER  cease to amaze and bewilder me.