Several years ago, I joined a page called Moms Who Drink and Swear (the coolest of the cool people call it MWDAS).  There, I got to “meet”  THE  craziest/funniest/whacked-outta-their-fucking-minds-and-I-LOVE-them people (I say “people” because we’re all inclusive—bitches and penis people are  BOTH  welcome, despite the obvious name of the group…as long as you don’t suck as bad as sweaty smelly balls or irritate us in any way – you’re IN).  It was there that I started to realize that some really funny people write some really hi-fucking-larious blogs.

Below, you will find one of these people.  Her blog  “Shit Your Mother Never Told You”  is full of stories that will make you laugh so hard you will likely piss yourself and won’t even feel embarassed because the funny shit she writes will make you  not give a damn.   I am  always amazed at her hilarious thoughts and comical insight.  She doesn’t just straddle the line of what some would consider appropriate…..she walks right up to that line and tells it to fuck off.   I wish I had known her and had her valuable directness to rely on when I was 21….only….she would have been only about 11 at that time and while she is clearly one awesome bitch, I’m pretty sure she wasn’t  THAT  worldly at that age.  Regardless, her post below shows that you don’t have to be genetically linked to a penis person (or married to one) for them to irritate you and funk-dify your life up with their stank!

Please stop by her page after this  (I’ve included a link below to BOTH her blog page AND her “Shit your mother never told you” FB page)  and tell her that I sent you to stalk her for me.  A multitude of stalkers means multiple PPOs…..and several trips to the police station to file them.  And Jes LOVES hot police officers….so its win-win for everyone!

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Life WITHOUT Penis People…….guest blogged by Jes at Shit Your Mother Never Told You blog page

When Life With Penis People asked me to write a guest post for her blog, I was pretty honored. It’s nice to know that people enjoy your writing, and even nicer to know fellow writers want your work associated with thiers. That said, I still can’t believe she wants me anywhere NEAR her work. I’m like complete devastation. I mean, I post  seriously dumb shit.  It’s true. However, as dumb as it may be- I find it hysterical (yes, I laugh at all my own jokes) so I post the shit anyways. At any rate… too late now!  I’m ALL up in this bitch.  Also, I’m going for the world record in the total amount of times one can say the word “penis” in a blog post.

If I told you how long it took me to come up with what I was going to write about here, you would seriously question my intelligence.

If I told you that I had to put out a mother fuckin’ bat signal- only to have the most obvious suggestion ever, be like the world’s brightest LIGHT BULB in my head- you’d think I suffer certain mental limitations. Soooooooooo, I won’t…

I can feel you judging me… assholes.

Let’s be clear, I’m not COMPLETELY Penis Person free. First of all, they’re freakin’ EVERYWHERE. Second, I have a lot of Penis Friends, my roomie for example- totally has a penis. Third, I like to have sex with them sometimes. Mostly when I’m drunk.

For the most part however, penis free. I’m pretty sure this is best for everyone, I’m not exactly a penis professional. Don’t get me wrong though, I like Penis People, I just don’t understand them, and more often than not- I find them exhausting.

Science tells us that Penis People don’t like to talk about their feelings… Neither do it. What science forgot to mention is that if a female doesn’t want to talk about her feelings… the Penis Person WILL. It’s like an upset in the universe and shit’s trying to right itself. For example, if something is clearly bothering me and Penis Person asks “What’s wrong?” and I say “Nothing, I’m fine” – I truly mean “I don’t want to talk about it”. I  do not  mean  “I’m upset about something, and I want you to smother me, and ask me over and over for hours on end until I finally break down and cry on you”.

Something my mother never told me… Penis People are sensitive creatures, they need nurturing… like a flower garden… or a baby. At this point in my life, I lack the skills needed for proper Penis Person care. ‘Cause when a Penis Person is clearly upset about something, and I ask “What’s wrong?” and they say “Nothing, Im fine”- I’m pretty much leaving you to sort that shit out yourself. There will be no “are you SURE?” or “just talk to me!” replies coming out of my mouth. Not because I don’t care, but because… okay, maybe it’s a little bit that I don’t care. But not in a dick way, just in a “I don’t care to hold your hand as you bleed all over your tampon” way…….. That’s a dick way… isn’t it?  Crap.

People will say things to me like:

“Wow, you’re so independent! I don’t know how you do it!”

or

“I wish I could be okay with being alone… like you.”

I don’t really think of myself as this “independent woman” type chick that’s all man-hater, and pissed off about the glass ceiling. I would have to give a shit to be that way- but all in all, I guess I am a pretty “do it yourself” kinda girl. As for the “okay with being alone” bit. I am, and have been for a long time. I don’t mind not being in relationships. And by that I mean… I prefer it. Mostly ’cause, I suck at them. A lot. A metric fuck ton of a lot.

Anyways, I think a good 89% of women would benefit from living at least a year… sans penis. I know what you’re saying… “I don’t know hoooooow”, or “that sounds horrrrribleeeeeeeeeee, I just want someone to love me!” –  I’m gonna need you to re-fuckin-lax,  and stop acting like a little bitch for a minute- I’ll tell you how.

First you need to realize, life without Penis People is  awesomeasfuck.  For a lot of reasons…

1.  You can do whatever you want.  If you’re out at the bar/grocery store/gas station/adult book store, and you see a hot guy, you have free reign to go ahead and make your move, or just stare at his pretty ass… guilt free. If it doesn’t work out, who cares?     You don’t know that guy.   Beyond that, I don’t have to run my plans by anyone. If I want to take a trip- I take it. If I want to bail on one set of plans to pick up a new more fun set, I do that too. What’s your fun level at right now? Three? Maybe a four? Yeah well, I’m at 8 on weekdays, and an 27 on weekends. The scale only goes to 10, bitches! It’s glorious.

2.  You get a whole bed to yourself.  This is a big deal. Snoring makes me stabby. I will admit thought, you do get used to sleeping with someone, and it is a bit comforting… and also, don’t tell anyone I told you this, but sometimes when I’m sick… or hungover… I do wish I had a couch cuddle partner. Then I think of all the other shit I would have to deal with in order to have one of those, and I get over it real fast.

3.  You won’t hate your life.  Think about all the shit you deal with in your relationship. I don’t have any of those problems, not a one. As lives go, mine pretty much rocks all kinds of casbah. Get on my level.

There are more that I can’t seem to think of right now, but trust me it’s pretty magnificent.

Second, get rid of the idea that you are a princess, and one day your prince is coming. You get no prince, you get a Penis Person. Contrary to popular belief- they are not the same thing. I’m not telling you to lower your standards in a mate. I’m saying, lower your expectations… of the entire situation. People put more value in relationships than they do themselves. You come first, then comes the Penis Person. Learn to be happy, and have fun by yourself,  aka the single life.  If you don’t know who you are without another person, there is serious problem. Call your therapist, don’t have one?  Get one.  ‘Cause I can’t help you with that shit- I’ll just make you cry (This is a true story, just ask my friend Pam.. she thinks I’m mean).

When it comes down to being single or in a relationship with a Penis Person, take a step back and really look at where you are. Is your Penis Person sending pictures of his cock to other girls or dudes? Is your Penis Person aloof, indifferent, or disrespectful? If you answered  yes to any of these questions, it’s time to castrate your life.

Seriously though, that thing about cock pictures being sent to other dudes- totally a real thing that happened to my friend… she’s a dumbass, I’m gonna start giving her lessons on how to not hate herself.

I’ll let you know how it goes…

I don’t plan on living the rest of my life void of Penis People (I’m only 26 for cripes sake). I haven’t started collecting cats, or night gowns that look more like circus tents (Although I do have a pretty impressive “toy” collection going). I mean, there are SOME aspects of a life with Penis People that I truly am looking forward to- Like, having children of my own. Maybe, I’ll even get married one day… or not. But right now, I’m totally not ready for that kind of sacrifice- maybe when I’m like 30……. or 35. Or until the thought of being with someone doesn’t give me the skeeves…

This could take awhile.

Total Penis Word Count = 21

Win.

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