…..and I’m not at all referring to one that will penetrate me.  I already  HAVE  a Dick that lives here and asks to penetrate me at least once a day.    I would like to GROW a penis.  Or maybe just have one surgically attached to me.  I wonder……maybe I can post an ad on Craigslist and see if one materializes.  Craigslist has EVERYTHING you could ever want…and some shit you hope you will never  EVER  need.

 

I’ve come to the stark realization that to have a penis (and some testosterone too) will give me super-stupid-super-human abilities.  I will be able to simultaneously make a mess  AND  be able to not even notice its existence.  Sit around on my lazy ass all day while shit just magically gets done.  Maybe, with a penis, I would even get to sit and play with my junk while whoever happens to be there can watch.

 

*** DISCLAIMER ***

I feel obligated to state the obvious right now.  If YOU have a penis and suspect you might be offended easily…..stop reading this right now and go find some baseball or hockey game to watch.  And grab a beer on your way out.  Thanks!

 

Ok, so now that we have  THAT  out of the way.

 

I know that I’m like most other moms that I know.  We, either working outside of the home or inside the home, bear the brunt of the responsibility for all that needs to be done within the walls that house our precious lives.  I once made a deal with the Dick.  I would manage all things  IN  the home……he was responsible for anything  OUT  of the home.  It was a monumental fuckup on my part for thinking that this would be a good idea.  While I sat smugly, looking out the window during snowstorms, I would find comfort in the knowledge that unless the roof caved in and snow found its way to my living room, I would  NEVER  need to shovel an ounce of snow.  And unless my carpets began mysteriously sprouting blades of grass, I would never need to learn to operate a lawn mower either.  I was even more apt at finding ways to  MAKE  something an outside job.  If I wanted the kitchen painted…..well…..the paint comes from a store…… OUTSIDE  the house.  If I was epically behind on laundry (and really, when am I NOT)……the dryer hose runs through a vent to the  OUTSIDE  of the house….BAM!!…..problem solved…..have fun with that…..I like my socks rolled, not folded, thanks.

 

But the epiphany started to ring far too clearly.  I set myself up for failure.   HUGELY!  And so I drop kicked  THAT  stupid deal right out the damn door and declared that he should be helping any time  he sees something that needs to be done.  And then I sat back, kicked my feet up and prepared for the help to start rolling in.  Only, it didn’t.  See, while men have selective hearing, they also have  EXTREMELY  selective vision.  What I see as a sink full of dishes begging to be loaded in the dishwasher, people with penises see nothing but an opportunity to stack the pile higher and higher, like some grand tower that they want to watch come crashing to the ground in one voracious swoop.  Because  THAT  would be  SO COOL!

 

Recently, the wee penis person was toddling about…….green marker in hand…..piss soaked diaper hanging to his knees…..smashing animal crackers on to any available space.  I walked in this room……took a moment to fully observed this scene….and then took a few more moments to count to 1,000 as a means to regain some calm before my head disengaged itself in a nuclear explosion.  And there, amidst all the carnage, sat the Dick……watching TV…..the same TV the wee one had  JUST finished coloring with the green marker.

 

When the Dick noticed the look of sheer rage on my face, he stopped watching TV, looked side to side nervously, and said “WHAT??????” 

 

Never has  ONE  tiny four letter word nearly sent me into a spastic psychotic reaction.  Are you serious?!?!?!?  How did you  NOT notice  THIS?!?!?!?  At the very least, might you have noticed that your view of the TV was being blocked by a tiny person  COLORING  on that very same TV?!?!?!?

 

What I wanted to do was lock myself in the bathroom until it no longer felt so damn right to just murder someone.  Or maybe run away from home.  The only problem with either of these scenarios is that the mess would still be there when I got back….and in fact, it very likely might be WORSE.   When I’d finally stopped hyperventilating and frothing at the mouth, I asked the Dick why he didn’t help out more often (as in, while I was cleaning this mess and changing the baby).  His response was gloriously child-like and simple………I’d not had the foresight to  ASK HIM  to help nor  TELL HIM  what to do.

 

And then I began, for just a moment, to imagine a world in which women (and moms) would just sit idle until someone  TOLD  us what to do and where to do it and when to do it.  Chaos would surely ensue….husbands and children would starve from lack of prepared meals placed before them several times a day.  No one would put the kids to sleep at night…….or wake them up on time in the morning.  The world might very well come to a screeching halt in no time at all.  Simply because we sat around  WAITING  for instructions…….   The very notion of this is positively  LUDICROUS.

 

So I’ve deduced that the only way to  NEVER  see the messes….or the kids misbehaving while mommy is desperately in need of a moment to herself……or the dinner that has yet to be made…is to have a penis.  I will pay good money to have one attached to my body……maybe they will take my brain in trade……since, with a penis, I won’t really be needing a brain anyway.

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