Each and every day…..as my head literally spins from lack of appropriate sleep….I promise myself that  TONIGHT  I will wander my happy ass to my comfy cozy bed before 2 a.m.  I then repeat it to myself several times throughout the day, as if by saying it, it shall magically just be done.   And every damn night (or, early morning, as it were) 2 a.m. rolls up on me, acting all hard and shit, and pimp slaps my with its pretend penis and calls me its bitch once again.


Why the  FUCK  do I always insist to refuse to sleep before the clock strikes 2 a.m.??


The simple answer…..because  THIS is MY quiet time.  These moments of the early dawn-of-a-new-day are when the wee penis people are most soundly asleep (and least likely to irritate the fuck outta me)….the Dick is at work (and I’ve already called him to say goodnight at 12:30 and assured him I’m headed to bed so that I can relax without him disturbing me with phone calls whining about how bored he is at work and equally annoying text messages of really stupid jokes and horrific cop pictures…..BODY-LESS HEAD lying prone on the ground, anyone).  The TV (and the damn DVR full of my recorded shit) is finally ALL MINE.  I play on FB and trade psychotic messages and snarky humor with my other night-owl friends (or just people in other parts of the country and, therefore, in a different time zone).  I stalk Craigslist for crazy people to maliciously taunt (anyone interested in some gently used children’s underwear….I know who to refer you to).


I cherish the hours of 11:15 p.m. (the  PRECISE  moment that the Dick backs down the driveway and heads to work) to 2 a.m. like a crack head cherishes their pipe.  I am, during this time, officially in a perpetual state of mommy-nirvana.  And much like that same crack head, this is a habit that is just far too hard for me to break.


The Dick mocks my lack of intelligence to just  GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP  often.  He has zero sympathy for the pissed off zombie that I will be (and most certainly will  FEEL  like) tomorrow.  The wee-est of the penis people will challenge me entirely and brutally the next day, daring me to lose focus on him for a nano-second. In my weakest of moments, I’ve nodded off briefly while sitting upright at the kitchen table during his lunchtime.  The memory of the mess…..smeared yogurt and overturned soup….all over every available surface is enough to have taught me to  NEVER do THAT again.


As moms, we all totally wish for just a few additional hours that we can tack on at will, where ever they are needed, to our day.  I would love to have those three hours guaranteed each and every day, without having to sacrifice my  WILL  to  LIVE  the  NEXT  day.  In the day-to-day  “keeping your head above the bullshit”  that is life, those three hours are the lifeline that I hold on to throughout the day to get me through it without contemplating  SERIOUS  thoughts of homicide.  I refuse to give them up without a fight, even if it means sacrificing the exact same precious hours to  SLEEP.  Sleep is over-rated!  Simultaneously Facebooking and blogging and watching mindless TV until the wee hours of the morning, in complete and utter silence, is  NOT AT ALL  over-rated…and frankly, a  VERY  under-appreciated skill!