These pictures above are the general messes that I’ve been left to clean up after.  It’s also a pretty stellar example of the sheer amount of shit these penis people have accumulated over the years…..

I wish there were more adjectives that I could think of right now to describe myself and my seemingly endless need to do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE in this damn house……while simultaneously setting myself up for additional failures by buying the penis people additional shit to leave lying all over the house.

I just spent the afternoon cleaning the older penis person’s bedroom.  It was my once-a-month gotta get in there and exterminate and scrub and move shit around to get to all the shit hidden under other shit.  It’s a job that I positively loathe, but I loathe the horrific mess much more.  I’m a sucker for punishment!

The penis people and the Dick in my house are so used to me doing the cleaning for them that they RARELY do it themselves.  They do minimal day-to-day maintenance, knowing full well that I will do the really big cleaning myself because I am a control freak with a touch of OCD and I won’t be able to let the really big shit go for too long.   Toys get left wherever they were last played with.  Papers from school and coloring projects litter the house.  I could easily track the Dick anywhere in the house by the socks and tee shirts he leaves in his wake.  And so I clean up after them…..several times a day…..and then several more.  Many nights I’m STILL picking up shit and finding its proper home until well after the kids have gone to bed and the Dick is napping soundly on the couch before work.

While I’m a sucker for cleaning up after them, I’m an even BIGGER sucker (if that’s even possible) for buying loads of toys and other play shit that the penis people clearly don’t need.  With each and every shopping trip I make, I seem to feel compelled to reward the penis people for leaving the house with me by offering them a brand new bauble of joy.  I hide the shit I buy from the Dick and swear the penis people to secrecy, lest I have to hear that same lecture ONCE AGAIN about how they have a monumental amount of shit already.  I buy additional toy bins to house all the toys in, when it would be far simpler (and much cheaper really) to buy less toys.  But I’m a sucker for their angelic little faces when they request yet another Transformer or dinosaur or stack of play dough.   Sometimes, I don’t even wait for them to ASK me…..I just offer it up on a silver platter.

After spending the remainder of my afternoon on Facebook commiserating with my friends about the cleaning I have to do and the lack of help from the penises in the house and drinking down their suggestions for a solution like it was my favorite flavored vodka, I took a moment to take a really good long HARD look around my house.  The plethora of toys that surrounds our family daily is staggering.  Then I had one of those epiphany moments!  I need to do just a few things to make my life easier!

  • STOP buying the penis people toys!  Aside from important national holidays and birthdays, I will no longer buy them shit!
  • Do a major over-haul on the shit they already have.  Figure out what they could give a shit less about and get rid of it.
  • Donate the shit that they don’t give a shit about to charity.  I would love to have a garage sale, but truth be told, I’d never do it because I lack the ambition and motivation needed to do it properly.
  • Start a new toy box….the kind of toy box where toys go when they’ve not been picked up properly and in a timely fashion.
  • Start assigning chores to these little shits.  Both of my kids are old enough to help with SOMETHING!
  • Start INSISTING that the Dick lead by example.  Asking the kids to help will mean NADA if daddy is sitting idle on his ass watching the rest of us clean.

So this is it!  Today is my jumping off point.  This plan of action SEEMS simple enough… why do I feel so gripped with fear that I will fail at it miserably???  And so I ask all of you……what other suggestions do you all have that might help a bitch out????  Words of wisdom to keep ME from slipping and falling right back in to the same patterns that have OBVIOUSLY worked so BEAUTIFULLY up til now????