I’ve been out of the work force for about 3 years now.  I didn’t voluntarily quit working….working quit me.  As many of you know I have absolutely  ZERO  filter and am really a  “tell it like it is”  kind of person….mixed with a generous amount of evil bitch and mean sarcasm.  So when the third-in-command at my former office thought he could get fucking dumb with me and expect no retaliation on my part…..well…he was superbly fucking mistaken.  After he stood behind me (literally) making faces and mumbling bullshit nonsense about me under his breath, I had enough.  I stone cold busted him on his childish behavior, and in front of several people, told him to grow some balls and stop acting like a fucking child.  I let him know that I don’t tolerate that shit from  MY OWN KID  and I’m sure as  HELL  not about to tolerate it from someone who’s  SUPPOSED  to be my superior.  Unfortunately, my pissed off outburst got me promptly fired.  Doesn’t matter though…..it was  TOTALLY  worth it and  SOMEONE  needed to tell fuck nuts to act his age.


When I came home and told the Dick about my  early  forced retirement, he was completely unphased. He’s always been a miserly bastard and a cheap skate from hell.  But now I was kind of thankful for that (and half regretting busting his balls about it so often).  He’d saved well and had provided enough cushion that afforded me to not have to panic.  He knew how much I HATED that company and all the bullshit that went along with it.  He said “fuck ’em….stay home and raise our kids”.   He worked some overtime a few times a pay period which totally covered the hole I’d made in our family budget…….I wasn’t required to need daycare anymore…..or pay for lunch every day….or buy all those professional clothes for work…..or pay a fortune to drive downtown in rush hour both ways every day.  And so it was deemed totally cool that I stay home.

Initially, I only had the older penis person to care for.  I was able to shuttle him to and from preschool every day and even volunteer in his class twice per week.  I went on field trips with he and his class.  If there had been a PTA, I would’ve joined it and then tried to become president.  The house was spotless…..the kid was well taken care of….dinners were generally home cooked and delish……Hubby was getting booty calls whenever he wanted  and, without the stress of the bullshit at my former office,  I was in a far better mood EVERY  SINGLE DAY .   Shit was going good.


Then, as many of you remember from previous blogs, the Dick waited one night until I was good and drunk and suggested trying for baby number two.  Because I was drunk, this seemed like an  A-FUCKING-MAZING  idea.  So I sloppy-drunk agreed.  It took YEARS and medical interventions to conceive Nicklas…….so I was certain I had plenty of time to make sure it was a good plan.   ONE MONTH LATER I realized I was pregnant with the wee penis person……and I was not entirely happy.  FUCK!!!!  Not only was it too late to admit I hadn’t been honest and I wasn’t entirely on board, but I didn’t even have the option to back out now and remain a mommy of one.  FUCK!


And so began my downward spiral into the pits of SAHM hell.  I love the wee penis person with every fiber of my being, but he is a testament to why  many moms  WANT  to work.  He is my most devoted stalker and I sometimes think it will take a PPO to get away from him.  He is mischievous to the tenth power and dares you to take your eyes off him for a moment.  He is whiney and clingy and needs you to be in his line of vision at all times.  In short, he  REALLY  needs a break from me as much as I need a break from him.  He needs to be with other children his age and other adults who will entertain him (and probably far better than I can) and teach him to cope without mommy for several hours a day.  In turn, I need to interact with grown ups again.  I’m desperate for something more than monosyllabic conversations. I need to trade snarky banter with people who will appreciate the fine art of sarcasm.  I need a  REASON  to get dressed up every day, put on makeup and do  SOMETHING  with my hair that doesn’t require just a pony tail holder.  I need to go back to a time when going grocery shopping wasn’t the highlight of my damn week.


I know that there are a  LOT  of moms who will think I’m positively psychotic for  CHOOSING  to work when I technically don’t  HAVE  to.  One of my former co-workers (and someone I still keep in touch with and LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF) dreams of a day when she can quit working and stay home with her four kids and  BE  the PTA  president mom.  More than once, I’ve told her that its sincerely  NOT  all it’s cracked up to be.  There are a whole shit load of days that I’m literally teetering on the edge of insanity and can’t even clearly define what it was that kept me from jumping head first (because my brain is all fried and shit).  In all honesty, before I stopped working and became the house bitch that I’ve become, I had always thought that SAHMs had it easy-cheesy.   It wasn’t until I BECAME A SAHM  that I realized just how fucking thankless and  HARD  this job is….there are no sick days….no vacation time…..and no overtime pay.   One is definitely no easier than the other…work outside the house mommas have just as many sets of challenges that are unique to their situation (like sick kids when you can’t be missed at work).  Both SAHM moms and work outside the house moms have it exponentially hard.   But I think, for myself personally, I’m a better mom when I’ve had several blissful hours away from my kids.


And so I have started half-ass looking for something that takes me out of the house every day.  I’m being picky about it right now, because I CAN!  I want to find something that is interesting and demanding and keeps me busy and fulfilled, while not turning me back into that angry and stressed out bitch that was ready to commit homicide by 4:00 nearly every single day, such as my life was while with my former employer.  I want to have my own identity again.  I want to have the opportunity to MISS my kids and look forward to seeing their smiley faces.  And right now, I’m with them so much that its more of the “how can I miss you if you don’t go away” kinda thing.