Hey friends….finally found my way back from that extended vacay that is hubby’s summer furlough.  It’s nice when he’s home (ok, mostly nice…) but it’s also nice when he goes back to work again.  Kinda reminiscent of the old adage “how can I miss you if you won’t go the fuck away”.   I’m happy to announce that I managed to make it through his  ENTIRE  furlough mostly sober and less likely to be lovingly violated sans birth control.  NO  surprise babies will be sprouting up  THIS  February….thank you very much!

So, I’m finding myself in one of those potential karma moments recently.  The kind of situations where you just  KNOW  that if you fuck up….Karma will fuck you up even more later when you least expect it.   And I’m a  STRONG  believer in….. 1) that there  IS  such a thing as Karma….and 2) that Karma is  SUCH  a fucked up bitch when she needs to be to make a point.  Now, before I provide the evidence of my beliefs, I must preface this by saying that I was once…..kind of a long while ago….a very evil little bitch.  I know…I know….its  SO  hard to believe because I’m such a wonderful/kind/fabulous person  NOW  (stop laughing, I AM)…..but I was, for a pretty large chunk of my life, a very evil little bitch.  The kind of person who you might see coming down the street and, if you knew me,  your brain would tell you “run  FAST  in the other direction because this whore will eat you alive”.  So, I wanted to put that out there up-front. I’m not that person any longer. I’m not telling you these stories because I’m at all proud of my behavior to be described herein, but to solidify proof that Karma is such a fucked up bitch!

My earliest example of being such an evil bitch is this……when myself, my sister and our best friend were pre-teens, we knew a girl just a year younger than us (I shall call her E).  She wanted SO MUCH to be our friend.  Her mom and our friend’s mom were close and us girls were all thrown together in social situations and vacations and sleepovers quite often.  In front of the parental units, we were nice as can be to E.  Not “regular” nice….more like Eddie Haskell nice.  The moment the parents’ back were turned, we morphed into demonic bitchy whores.  We would punch her repeatedly just for fun.  We would scare the shit out of her by locking her in the dark basement and then pound her again for crying due to fear.  We once coaxed her in to climbing an incredibly tall tree with us, under the guise of a promise that we would help her get safely back down.  We made her go first ahead of us three, goading her to climb higher and higher still…..and then we high-tailed it down and outta that damn tree, cackling the whole way, and left her there petrified.  I’m not even sure how long it took someone to find her and help her down.  The thing was, no matter how horrible we were to her, she always came back for more…..or she was handed over to us by her mother, who thought we were being kind and very inclusive to her daughter.  And E rarely even told on us because we’d warned her that there would be  HELL  to pay if she did.

Now, E had an older sister who scared the shit out of us bullies.  And at some point, her big sis found out about all the torment and hell we’d put E through and she promptly kicked our collective asses.  Then E, almost over-night, moved away.  I recently found her on FB and she and I are on one another’s’ friends list.  She’s recently had a baby and seems to have a pretty happy life.  And I’m happy for her.  And so very sorry for all the shit I did to her.  I’ve given serious thought to messaging her and telling her that we were horrible and asking her forgiveness.  But I’ve yet to do it because (I’m a coward) and then I would have to stare the shame that I feel for doing that right directly in the eye.

But, as I mentioned before, Karma is a fucked up bitch and she will find a way to extract her vengeance.  In my case, it was a  LOOOONG  time coming and it wasn’t directed specifically AT me, but she still managed to hit me right where it would hurt most.  My son is loving and kind-hearted.  He wants to befriend  EVERYONE.  And there are children that he has encountered ALREADY in just 1st grade who fuck with him because he’s too nice and too caring.  Last year on the bus, two slightly older boys made him lick the bottom of a girls tennis shoe, claiming they wouldn’t be friends with him unless he did.  And, happy little people pleaser that he is, he did.  And then they told him he was a gross dirt ball for licking the bottom of someone’s disgusting shoe and made fun of him for it.  And invited others to do the same.  These same two boys spent most of my young penis person’s Kindergarten and 1st grade making him feel like shit and punching him often and playing cruel jokes on him.

Of course, the momma bear in me was ready to kill.  I threatened to follow these little shits home to their houses and talk to their parents.  In my mind, I already knew that if their parents didn’t respond appropriately, I would be hauled off to jail for kicking their asses too.  It wasn’t until many phone calls and interventions and what not that the Dick reminded me that it was quite possible that Karma was kicking my ass by kicking my son’s ass for the shit I’d done to E.  Karma was actually kicking my ass double-time.  Not only was she revealing to me through my son’s eyes the pain we’d caused E…..she was forcing me to experience first hand the agony we’d also caused E’s mom once it was discovered all the shit we’d done to her daughter, shit she’d had no way of stopping because she hadn’t known.  Now, looking back, I can only imagine her pain.

The second example I will admit to……….I once worked with an older woman whom I didn’t like at all, for no particular reason at all.  I was maybe 21 and assigned to manage the department she worked in.  I was snotty and mean to her as often as time permitted me to be.  I gave her stupid shitty assignments to do, just because I could.  She was slightly odorous and I would tell her she smelled bad and send her home unpaid to shower and change clothes.  I was stupid and young and on a slight power-trip….. really bad combination.  This woman (I’ll call her W) was also diabetic.  I made fun of her for it.   When she had asked me to schedule her an early lunch period so that she could eat to stave off low blood sugar, I refused and scheduled her the  LAST  lunch period just for good measure.  Myself and a friend of mine used to hide her insulin from her and make her play hot/cold to find them….all under the guise of “just kidding around with you” when she tattled.

Many years later, in my mid to late 20s…..I was diagnosed as a type one diabetic.  Out of the blue….no family history……no reason for it.  Just horrifically sick and hospitalized and then BAM!…..Mrs. Bare, your pancreas no longer works….we don’t know why….it just stopped and died.  Now I will need to rely on insulin injections up to five times a day for the rest of my life.    Karma….right??

Finally……there was a man who used to deliver and sell us office supplies at my last job.  Before I had kids, but after I was married.  He was obviously SUCH a sweet guy.   And he had a speech impediment.  He sounded much like Elmer Fud.  He couldn’t properly pronouce his Rs or Ls.  Think “Hewo wadies….how awe you doing on mawkews?  Woud you wike some pwintew ink??  I can get you a weally good wate.”  Every time this poor gentle soul came in to our office I would literally laugh in his face and then run howling to the back of the office and let someone else deal with him.  I remember I would laugh so hard while trying to do imitations of him for my co-workers that my cheeks would hurt.  He stopped coming to our office after a while, and I’m thinking its pretty certain that he asked to not be assigned to us anymore.  Or he quit due to my humiliating him.

I now have the oldest penis person with his own speech impediment….he can’t pronounce “th” sounds and says things like “fink” and “fird” instead of “think” and “third”.  Those same assholes that messed with him also teased him about the way he talked and made him cry.  And the wee penis person has a speech delay that requires speech therapy twice a week.

Now, I’m fully cognizant of the fact that Karma will happily kick my ass whenever I’ve tried to forget all the evil shit I did unto others.  But the kicking of my penis peoples’ asses is what cuts the deepest.  And when I’m alone with my own thoughts late at night, I try to reason with Karma.  I try to recognize the mistakes I’ve made and the hurt I’ve caused and hope that I can atone for my behavior before Karma ups the ante.  I was once  SO VERY  mean to people just for fun.  I don’t do that anymore  EVER.  I don’t even flirt with the idea of fucking someone over because I know first hand that Karma will get you.

And the lesson that I’ve learned is that Karma IS a bitch….but no more of a bitch than YOU are FIRST!