Very recently the Dick brought me an article in the newspaper….It was one of those lovely and helpful advice columns that help positively  NO ONE!

*** Side note *** WHY in the HELL do people write in and ask questions of these people… they literally have NO FRIENDS IN REAL LIFE……Are they even sure that the person answering their obviously important question is even QUALIFIED to do so??  This person doesn’t know you, and therefore likely gives not one shit about you……how do you know they aren’t just going to advise you wrong for the sheer amusement of it all.**


Anyway, back to my original point.  I had already read the question/answer.  The question was titled “DAD FEELS TRAPPED BY WIFE AND KIDS”.  In it, a husband whines like a little bitch about how his wife is SO busy caring for their young children and working full-time and making their home a livable place that she simply (BOO FUCKING HOO) has NO TIME for him anymore.  He said that he loves the wife and children dearly, but he was beginning to feel trapped in a marriage that sucks (READ…he wasn’t getting as many booty calls as he’d hoped for)….and he felt like it was  ALL  his wife’s fault.  He said he’s tried to “add romance” to her life by writing her love notes…bringing home flowers….dinners out.  Nothing is working……

The advice columnist (who slightly resembled Glenda the Good Witch from the Wizard of Oz and I spent the entire article reciting in my head the entire column in her weird voice) told him (and I’m directly QUOTING  here)….”So, maybe your wife is among those who only have so much sensory capacity on any given day and by the end of the day, even with such a wonderful and loving spouse, she just wants solitude and some time  ALONE!  Sometimes there is nothing more going on than simple overload.  However, if she’s not only sex-averse but short-tempered and distant then skip the rest of my advice and find a marriage counselor to get you two talking and qualified to diagnose depression in either or both of you.”  She also went on to suggest that maybe he should offer her “weekly, scheduled  HER-TIME  to help replenish her reserves”.

Now, I read this and  TOTALLY  knew what she was advising this idiot…..”Shut the fuck up and quit yer bitching.  Your wonderful wife works her ass off to make sure everyone else is happy and this leaves little time for her own happiness and she’s fucking  TIRED  of it.  You need to nut the fuck up and give her a hand you lazy piece of shit.  And make damn sure she gets a girls night out  AT LEAST  once a week….Also….your notes and flowers and dinners don’t mean  SHIT  if you’re not helping with the important stuff….These are tactics used by men who hope to gain kudos for doing, essentially,  NOTHING else useful“.

Ok, so that’s not what  SHE SAID, but that was  MY  interpretation of the sentiment she was trying to express.

Now, the Dick had read the same question and response.  He was decidedly very opposite the view that I had.  He said the poor husband is doing his best he could in a bad situation.  He said his take on the columnists advice was as follows…..”You’re wife is being a selfish bitch.  You should cheat on her….the END.”

Hmmmmm… can two relatively intelligent people read the same thing and glean entirely different scenarios???  Because, while we were kinda joking around with one another in our assumed responses, we both came from a place that was quite glaringly a little too real.

It’s often like this in the Life With Penis People home.  He sighs dramatically when I talk and I assume it to mean “You are an idiot and I can’t even begin to explain how difficult it is to listen to your nonsensical drivel.”   I slam a door by mistake and he assumes I’m once again pissed off at him.   He says “The house is such a mess today”….and I take that to mean I’m disappointing him with my housekeeping and everything else.  I say “I could really use some help with the penis people” and he assumes I’m calling him a shitty dad who doesn’t help EVER.

It’s a never-ending struggle to make certain that what the other one hears is EXACTLY the same as what we really mean.  And probably the main reason we MUST go to marriage therapy once a week.  We can’t EVER seem to be on the same page conversationally.  We take past hurts and anger and channel it into modern-day nuances.  And I know we aren’t alone in that.  I’m certain many couples experience the same issues with dissecting what the other gender is really trying to say.   Its like walking over a mine-field…..BLIND!  Only, in this mine-field…’re tethered to equally short sighted partner….you’re blinded to the path you must follow by seething rage…..and neither one of you have a clue how to communicate properly.  And that can only lead to a certain and horrific death!