As a mom held hostage living in a home with two small penis people and the Dick, I’ve learned to pick my battles pretty wisely.  I rarely  EVER  complain about the noise level that seems to accompany penis people from the moment they wake until they (or sometimes  ME) collapse into bed at night….even when my eardrums are nearly bleeding from the screeching and the yelling and the pretend car motor sounds and the cries from injuries that always result from their UFC style of playing.  I only seldom find myself overwhelmed by the never-ending game of “who can make the loudest fart noise” and everyone’s favorite…find the person who seems to be THE ONE PAYING THE LEAST ATTENTION TO THEIR SURROUNDINGS and JUMP on their head (this person is VERY RARELY me…).

I’ve come to accept that boys are loud and messy and very rarely take a piss without marking their territory in its entirety.  There is  NO  disputing this fact (so please, don’t message me, feeling all insulted and butt hurt, making a case for the fact that you know someone who knows someone who’s penis people  NEVER  piss all over every  DAMN  thing…because  THEY ARE LYING).  However, very recently, while cleaning all three bathrooms in this mother fucking house for the millionth billionth time, I had a major epiphany…… WE HAVE THREE BATHROOMS  (this wasn’t the epiphany…..I’ve known this since the day we bought the place).  The epiphany came when I realized that there is  NO REASON  for me to share their space always or for them to share mine always.  In a home that is completely and entirely encased in all things penis people related, I  CAN  carve out a small space of  MY OWN  that can remain penis free.  I won’t even be greedy and take the primo bathroom in the house…the one that has a bathtub and shower (I’ll obviously still need to shower on the regular…I’ll just close my eyes and hope for the best).  I just want the smallest of the bathrooms…….someplace where I can put all my girly shit (think makeup and hair products and blowdryers and hair straighteners) and I will always know where it is….I won’t have to check the position of the seat of the toilet before I sit down…. A place where I won’t have to clean the bathroom  EVERY…FUCKING….DAY….  because of the funk of having a piss stick that is apparently slightly crooked, as evidenced by the spillage that is  NO WHERE NEAR  the  GIANT RECEPTACLE  that it was intended to go.

I’ve been  VERY  patient……I’ve  REALLY  tried to be understanding…….I’ve even threatened to re-train the penis people to sit down to take a piss (this isn’t off the table yet BTW….and for those who are wondering,  there is literally NO physical nor medical reason that people with a penis MUST STAND…I looked it up…you’re welcome ).  So now I’m just throwing in the towel and saying “Here, make a mess if that’s what you feel compelled to do”…..but understand that you will need to clean up after yourselves  (or NOT, I really don’t give a shit any longer)  because I’m going to go and piss in my girly oasis where urine doesn’t find its way to nearly every available surface.  I may even instruct visitors of the non-penis persuasion to use  MY  bathroom simply for their own safety.  People who stop by with a penis attached can go visit “the room of staph bacteria and e.coli”…..cause they’re not going to fuck up my oasis.   I hear-by declare my oasis to be a “PENIS FREE ZONE”.

In the Bare House there will be a “penis bathroom” and a “non-penis bathroom”………please proceed to the correct one accordingly…..lest I be forced to walk in while you are mid-stream and order your NO READING/NO PAYING ATTENTION ass to vacate ASAP.  Don’t think I won’t.