Hmmmm….now that I’ve got your attention!!

Not very long ago I was in a hotel in Detroit on a drunken lockdown with several girlfriends (Nikki from MWDAS was there..if you’ve never had a chance to hang out with this awesome piece of ass, I highly recommend it).  All of us are moms of penis people of varying ages, ranging from terrible twos to teenage angst….and all are married to a Dick (though I’m sure they might not use the term quite as freely as I use it for MY Dick).  After dinner with drinks….we meandered our happy asses back to the hotel for pajamas and gossip and MORE drinks.  The topic turned to our beloved penis people and Dicks…..and the inherent need they feel to masturbate on a fairly regular basis.  To be clear, masturbation is completely as natural to penis people as breathing is to the rest of the (vagina) world.  I’m nearly certain that, given a choice between breathing and masturbation, most (if not all) penis people would die VERY happy people.  For the record, there is positively nothing wrong with doing YOURSELF on the regular.

During this conversation, I learned some extremely interesting facts about my girlfriends penis people and husbands and masturbation.

*** Penis people….please be advised that women DO discuss you and your sexual habits….especially when they are drinking.  So the next time your wife goes out for drinks with the girls, be clear that the next time her friends see you, it will likely be through very different and very corrupted eyes.***

I learned that one mom, after she’d discovered one too many sticky remains in her young son’s room, placed a bottle of lotion and a box of tissue on his nightstand…..no instructions were needed because penis people are, apparently, born with a knowledge of what these wonderful tools should be used for.  Several moms waxed philosophical on the odd places they’d found violated pieces of laundry, desecrated dish towels and sullied socks stashed, saturated with things none of us wanted to think about or stiff from that same substance having long-since dried.  I was informed that boys and their rooms (and nearly every other space they occupy often) have “a smell” once they reach a specific age where sexual desire most definitely does not require a partner (unless you count their hand as a partner).

Story after story, I listened pretty intently, but with a detached sense of familiarity.  I had two young penis people at the time….both, I was feeling far too smug and quite certain, were much too young to have reached this sexually charged destination in their lives.  I gathered this information graciously and stored it in my brain for sometime FAAAAAAR down the road.

Much to my chagrin, that road wasn’t nearly as far away as I thought it would be.  DAMN IT!!!  Very recently I was putting the older penis person to bed.  Up until I’d gone in, he’d been chillin in his room, I had assumed coloring and watching TV.  I plopped myself down next to him for our customary stories about the day and good-night hugs and smooches.  Only, there was something much more moist and damp about this good-night session.  Clearly, I had plopped myself down very definitively on a spot that was not nearly as dry as the rest of the bed.  Though I didn’t WANT to look, I am (by nature) a curious person nosy ass bitch.  And there was OBVIOUSLY a circle of sogginess about the size of the palm of my hand.  The penis person saw me looking and immediately turned 50 shades of red (not to be confused with 50 Shades of Grey……which would generate a MUCH different story about masturbation).

Now, I’m certainly NOT the mom who wants to shame her son into never masturbating again.  I want for him to have a fairly healthy relationship with his own penis.  I just didn’t relish the idea of EVER AGAIN finding myself sitting in the remnants of that relationship. And while I was pretty sure I wasn’t TECHNICALLY the appropriate person to be schooling him on the proper handling of the penis and all that it yealds…..the Dick sucks balls at these kinds of conversations (figuratively OF COURSE…because AGAIN that would be an entirely different kind of blog).  So I gathered up all that information from that girly sleepover and then I channeled the courage and strength of those amazing moms to be stronger too.

And I afterwards, I gave myself a huge high-five (yes, as a matter of fact, I very much DID high-five MYSELF).  I had handled that shit BRILLIANTLY!  And I just know that I will be just a prepared when the wee penis person finds his “happy place”…..which, according to my calculations, might just be very soon.  Already, the moment I remove his diaper, his chunky little hands instinctively gravitate towards his little junk.  When I attempt to remove his hands from his baby genitalia, he shouts at me “MY PEE PEE MOMMA” and death-grips it as if I might steal it from him.

Ahhhh……such is the life with penis people!

Advertisements