First of all, I hadn’t intended to blog tonight…..I generally don’t blog Thursday through Sunday nights because most of the awesome people I know are either fairly intoxicated/on their way to happy intoxication/hung over.  So I had the utmost intentions of saving this bit of awesomeness until next week.  THEN……I realized that today is only Wednesday.  How did I spend the entire day today thinking that today was Thursday???  Shit, maybe I’ve spent the entire day blissfully intoxicated and didn’t even have the pleasure of realizing it.  AGAIN???  DAMN IT!

Anyway…..I have a theory that there are many variables that lead the Dicks in our lives to believe that they aren’t getting nearly as much tail as their friends.  The Dick in my life is constantly whining that he doesn’t get it as much as (he is CERTAIN) his friends are getting it.  Whether this is a fact or just a means to guilt me into more frequent booty duty, I wasn’t sure.  And so I set out to investigate.

Now, in an effort to be as official as possible, I sought ways to get this information from people.  But I’m pretty sure it’s mildly skeevy to approach random strangers on the street and pose serious inquiries about their sex lives.  And while I just KNEW I could likely find this information with the simple click of a google search…..I didn’t even want to fathom the weird places such a search might find me.  So I did the most logical thing I could think of……I posted the question to the awesome women (and the lucky Dicks we allow in our clique) of Moms Who Drink and Swear (once AGAIN…if you have no fucking idea what MWDAS is….you suck balls…..follow this link now MOMS WHO DRINK AND SWEAR ON FACEBOOK and stand in awe of the coolness).  I asked these awesome people for help and they  delved in and shared and shared and shared.  I was given far more information than I will EVER know what to do with.  And they ROCKED the shit outta my very informal survey!

** Side note **  I really need to find a more awesome word than AWESOME.  I know I use the SHIT out of it.  It is perpetually part of my normal verbiage.  I will make an AWESOME effort to come up with a better word!  You are equally AWESOME for understanding!

Ok, so………What I learned, sitting there late into the night and the wee hours of the morning glued to my computer screen, is this…… Are you ready for it??????  There is no specific normal that is normal for EVERYONE.  I know right…..I collected some profound information that was, before now, never known!

I did get the impression that once or twice a week is how often most of the moms put out.  But some numbers went as high as three to four times a week.  Some of those lucky bitches have the energy and the stamina to do the horizontal dirty deed DAILY….sometimes MORE than once a day.  These particular women literally AMAZE THE SHIT OUTTA ME and I feel compelled to erect a monument to their awesom ….. WONDERFULNESS (see what I did there….I almost used awesome again….but I found a better word…though not nearly as awesome).  I think its only fitting that the monument will vaguely resemble an erect penis!  And I can further assure you that I will NOT be telling the Dick ANY of this information for obvious reasons.

When I further posed the question “are there any extenuating circumstances that you feel lead to that number”…..I got responses that ran the gammet.  Everything from work schedules to small children to illness to medications that totally fuck with your libido.  While I’ve always felt fairly comfortable using the young penis people in my life as a certifiable reason for neglecting my “wifely duties”…..there were scads of moms that insisted, even with young kids, an active sex life is absolutely possible.  Work schedules seemed to hold much more weight in the big dilemma of how often.  Some husbands were gone most of the week for work….many, like my own Dick, have haphazard shifts that are not entirely conducive to quality time.  However, one mom in particular found the fact that she only saw her significant other on the weekends made the sex (which was 3-4 times over a two-day period) positively mind-blowing.  Maybe absence really DOES make the heart (and the desire) burn brighter.  I wonder how the Dick would feel if I asked him to go away five days a week…..you know……strictly for the purpose of testing this theory.

There were also quite a few moms and wives who weren’t getting it nearly as often as they’d like.  They tossed around numbers like “once a month, if I’m lucky”.  These were the women I found myself the most fascinated by…..the ones who WANTED IT MORE and get it less often that I did.  And I remember thinking (and don’t bust my balls for saying this)……”Damn it….maybe we can do the ultimate wife swap here???  Then everyone can be happy.”

One mom, whose husband is being ravaged by an illness that will take him far too soon, explained that she is making sweet passionate love to her spouse every single day right now…..and that, in the end, she’s quite certain it will still feel like it wasn’t enough.  That, my friends, was a serious reality check for my ass (and probably everyone else too).

By the end of that night, I found myself with a far different outlook on the sexual habits of the married folks and those in long-term relationships.  And I will openly admit that maybe, JUST MAYBE, the Dick has a point.  Maybe he is getting it far less than some of his male counterparts.  But he might also be getting it MORE than others.  Maybe I could make a bit more effort at sexing him up more often.  Maybe, just MAYBE, I could (GASP!) ignore my intense desire for sleep and channel it, instead, into plain old DESIRE for HIM!  And maybe we can find a new “normal” for us two.

I WISH YOU….PEACE….LOVE…..AND BOOTY CALLS FOR ALL!

 

 

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