So today….while I was sitting around with my feet propped up, eating potato chips and flipping through the plethora of talk shows available to watch while sitting in my pajamas doing NOTHING…….oh WAIT….that’s what the Dick thinks I do all day……….

OK…reality check!  Let me begin again……so today…..after getting the older penis person fed/dressed/on the bus for school, I wrangled the wee penis person outta his stank ass “good morning” shitty diaper and into a fresh diaper and clothes, then I tossed some more food his way to keep him occupied while I got a couple of things done.  After loading the dishwasher, cleaning up the kitchen, mopping up the floor of the breakfast mess and tossing in a load of laundry, I hit the grocery store by 9:00 a.m.  After dodging all those damn stupid old people on their equally stupid Amigos and other SAHMs with small kids who weren’t nearly as well-behaved as my own wee penis person (yeah, riiiiight), I finally made my way to the check out by almost noon (yes, that WOULD IN FACT be THREE HOURS worth of grocery shopping folks).

While I was attempting to wrangle bread and lunchables (shut up…don’t judge) out of wee penis person’s hands and place them on the conveyor belt, the manager of the dairy section approached me.  He took one look at the enormous mountain of shit in my cart and then took a moment to kindly inform me that there was likely a gallon of milk somewhere in there that was leaking…I inquired how he might know this and simultaneously hoping really hard that he was wrong….he replied that he had simply followed the trail of milk all the way from the dairy section to where I now stood in the checkout (gotta hand it to him….that was REALLY nice and REALLY fucking smart….and something I would NEVER have done).  He was right…..one of my four gallons of milk was in fact the one leaving the Hansel and Gretel type trail.  I thanked him for letting me know and he ran and grabbed me a not-leaking milk while I proceeded to wipe the leaking milk off all the shit in the cart below it….let me tell you…THAT was FUN!!!!!  I could’ve died a happy momma RIGHT THEN. (((insert snarky sarcastic tone HERE)))

I finally made it home just before the wee penis person fell into a coma of  deep sleep, so I had a chance to change his damn diaper again and rock him peacefully off to slumber.  Now, I had ONLY those 18 bags of groceries to find a home for before I could MAYBE, POSSIBLY sit my tired ass down.  So while I was cleaning out the fridge of some old shit and leftovers and making room for the new shit, I had tabloid talk show host Wendy Williams on in the background (more for the noise than anything else).  I love her even if she DOES look like a really large man dressed as a woman……though….a really quite attractive woman.  Anyway……. Today, on her show, she was discussing the fact that science is getting closer and closer to allowing people (ok, probably really REALLY  rich mother fuckers, but still) to genetically select the sex of their unborn child.  I was intrigued by this….and actually stopped putting all that grocery shit away and sat my tired ass down to see what this was all about.

So, in effect, the question was this….if you had the opportunity to select the gender of your child….would you????  There was some talk of how, religiously, this might be wrong.  That if God had intended for you to have a girl, why would you fuck up God’s master plan and make your own decision to opt for the penis model??  However, as someone who often has issues with God’s decisions, I don’t know if that alone would change my mind.  And…..as someone who spent a shit ton of time with several different Doctors to correct the notion that God didn’t WANT me to have a child, I figured I’d probably already bought and paid for my ticket to hell….in my very own specially reserved section (seating is still available if you’d like to join me)…..so scientifically selecting the gender of my child, while possibly an abomination of God, would be something I would do……if for no other reason than to say “whatever God….I GOT this!”

As a mom with two young penis people and not a chance in HELL of getting knocked up again (thank you to my super-duper birth control…..I love you….xoxox – the really shitty Catholic)…unless there were an absolute fucking GUARANTEE of having a girl.  And since that is not technically nor medically possible at this point, I will reserve myself to the fact that my family is complete as it is…..penises and all.  However, if I were able to go to a doctor……have them poke around a bit in my lady bits…….do some vile shit to the Dick’s sperm….and could produce a guaranteed vagina-bearing child…..I would SO be in.

So anyway….I posted this query on my FB page….and got a shit ton of awesome responses from the equally AWESOME people that I know and love!  One of the first to chime in was Jamie.  Jamie has the dubious distinction of being in a house with FOUR penis people (three penis children and one Dick).  She’s got testosterone overload worse than I do.  She is TIRED of choking on all the testosterone in her house and would do it for the guarantee of a little girl.  Another FB friend, Danielle, admitted that at one time she’d have done it……in the hopes of getting more penis people.  And she says she would have regretted it.  She has three girls and only ONE penis person and her penis person is, by far, her most difficult child.  So……had she been able to select genders…..she would have totally fucked herself over!

My friend in real life, Angie, went on to regale us with a horrible tale of an apparently crazy and misguided woman who apparently set out to have a penis person….and instead life pimp slapped her with ITS pretend penis and said “nuh uh bitch…..you will have SIX GIRLS FIRST”.  Her 7th was a penis person.  But did she stop there???  Ummmm…….NOPE!  She went on to have numbers 8 and 9…another penis person and one with a vagina.  I’m just wondering if this woman was Catholic (the good kind that doesn’t utilize birth control as instructed by the Pope)…….and I want to thank Angie for that scary as fuck bedtime story!

One of my friends, Samantha, has 5 girls and 3 penis people……and keeps me wondering why all the awesome moms I know have so many kids???  I’m often ready to toss myself in front of a really large, really fast bus just dealing with two… How the HELL do they do it with EIGHT?!?!?!!?!!?  I need to make a mental note to “introduce” her to my other momma-of-eight friend, Melissa.  They could TOTALLY swap the ULTIMATE war stories……stories that would probably make the rest of us cry…but they just kinda shrug their shoulders and say “eh, whatever”.  Anyway…..Samantha was willing her penis person to be a penis person in-utero.  She said she literally would rub her little baby bump and say “if you don’t have a penis already, you better grow one before you come out”……apparently, her demanding worked (or, more likely, the right swimmer made it there first) and she got her penis person. She went on to insist that she loves all of her children OF COURSE (cause she’s awesome like that) but insists that her penis people are, hands down, easier than the girls are.  As she put it “penis people damage you financially….girls damage you by taking your soul and twisting it”.  Hmmmmm……maybe Samantha’s got a point there!

Pam wanted to know “Would there be a hermaphrodite option?  I would certainly love to continue the tradition in our family…”  I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I think I REALLY  like the sound of it.  And her family sounds A-FUCKING-MAZING!

Finally, I got the educated version from someone who is über smart and also quite funny…..and since Dan has a penis himself he therefore seemed TOTALLY qualified to field this question.  He pointed out that the biggest problem with gender selection is that one gender will, inevitably, be over selected…..and it would probably be the penis model.  He also said a WHOLE BUNCH of other really impressively wise and intelligent shit.  However, I couldn’t really focus beyond the initial idea that we would, quite possibly, end up with a world with even MORE penis people in it.  A shit ton more than we have right now…..ON PURPOSE.   And we certainly can’t have THAT!  First of all, with the lack of vagina people…..who the fuck would CARE FOR all those penis people???  And while Dan is a kick ass SAHDad (and I have a fuzzy place in my heart for SAHDads….TRUTH!)…..most of the penis people I know couldn’t do ONE DAY in the life of a vagina person.  ‘Nuff said!

So I think I may just be changing my original stance on this forum.  I think its, by far, wiser to allow nature to take its course.  Let the penises and the vaginas fall where they may.  Although…..I would still pay really good money to finally have a daughter….maybe just not in some weird, creepy, scientific way.

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