In case I’ve never mentioned this before…..I HATE SPORTS! I’ve NEVER dreamed of being the soccer mom or the hockey mom or the football mom. I’m quite happy to spend my days enjoying my kids without the whole RAH-RAH scene and freezing my ass off on cold bleacher seats.

However……. the oldest penis person recently joined a flag football team, age appropriate, for 7-9 yr olds (there is another league of 10-12 yr olds…keep this in mind….this will be important later in the story, I promise). When the league sent the email insinuating that they thought they might have to cancel the league due to lack of parental participation (and no coaches) I promptly volunteered the Dick to assist the coach…..and was met with a whole fuck ton of resistance and lame ass excuses. His schedule was too chaotic (the head coach could work around that)……He was worried about all the cost if would incur (shit was free mother fucker….shut the fuck up). Finally, I realized it boiled down to just this……the Dick was being incredibly lazy and lackadaisical in his parenting duties and didn’t give a shit about “quality time” with the penis person. So after I cussed him out (non-stop) for about 12 hours, pointing out that lack of participation would plunge him directly into “you’re a shitty dad” hell……he relented and is now assisting the coach. When will the people with penises in my house just fucking realize that it is COMPLETELY USELESS to argue with me…….because I will ALWAYS have a good argument and points to support my side and I will ALWAYS win.

So anyway…….practice has been going pretty well actually. What I imagined would be an exercise in extreme patience has turned out to be JUST THAT. Practice One was teaching them the basic “football stance” and letting them get to know one another and seeing who could do what. Practice Two was teaching them, despite being told to ALWAYS keep their hands to themselves, that in this instance blocking (therefore touching and pushing) was needed. Practice Three was attempting to teach plays…..which didn’t really go so well. Our kids are more the “just run in the general direction of the ball” kinda kids….plays almost completely escape the realm of their understanding. But our head coach Adam and assistant coach Dick (Jeff) seem to be handling it all really well….and the kids are having (GASP!) fun!

What we hadn’t realized when we all signed up, and what we are all learning slowly but surely, is that what we seem to have is the team nobody else wanted……the kids who have never played before……the kids with ADHD who can only concentrate on the plays and the game in 5 second increments…… We also received “special permission” to add two 6 yr olds to our group (since they were THIS CLOSE to being 7 and REALLY wanted to play….and we were short the number of required players). Of the two six-year olds…one is a girl. Not that girls can’t kick ass and take names….but in a league filled with boys, she stands out pretty significantly. Do you see where I’m going with this??

We have a truly awesome group of little penis people and one non-penis person……they are excited to play and really don’t give a shit whether they win or lose because they are having a blast! But they are the least likely to really win. Which is fine. This is surely not the NFL and our kids aren’t getting any guaranteed scholarships off their ability to play. Us parents enjoy watching them enjoy themselves and they are learning something new. Quality time is abounding, both on and off the field! And they’re outside running and playing…not inside glued to a video game or the TV, so there’s THAT added bonus.

While everything seemed to be going just AWESOME…..there was a small little twirl of a storm brewing just on the horizon of the football field. The first team that we played was well stocked with kids that stood more than a foot taller than our own kids. These giants were reportedly the same age as our youngsters. Ok, obviously, apparent growth spurts abounding in those kids. And they played WELL! We chocked it up to their coach having more time to practice than ours and went about our day. During the second game, it was team picture day. It was then that we noticed some of the kids on other teams wearing two different team shirts. They would pose for photos in one color, then whip that shirt off with a quickness and pose for the next team in the next color. Hmmmmmm…..this didn’t really make too much sense. But because OUR whole team of parents are all football newbies and weren’t really in the mood to ask questions or investigate, we didn’t.

The next thing we knew….the Punt Pass Kick competition was already upon us. Many of our kids were signed up to participate and joined the almost 50 other kids ready to compete that bright and sunshiny day. And this is where the waters get murky. Our head coach was approached by a young penis person who said “hey, we just played your team this week”. Pleasantries were exchanged and what not. Then this young man wandered off to go and compete with his age group……which just HAPPENED to be the 10-12 age group. WHAT….THE….FUCK?!?!?!?! Afterwards, our Coach noticed that possibly one more player in the 10-12 group looked strikingly familiar. How many of these 10-12 kids were there on the 7-9 league???? How fucking deep does this Football-gate go????

The coach sent me a message about it, asking me to have the Dick take a look at some of the pictures he’d snapped at the Punt Pass and Kick competition and see if he could recognize any of the other older kids. The coach and I discussed this a bit via text messaging. I WAS LIVID to say the least. I don’t care if our kids win or lose…we just love that they are having so much fun….but I do give a HUGE GIANT shit about this being a fair and level playing field. I’m not faulting the errant kids in this situation……however, I’m ready to call out their shady as fuck, piece of shit, lying ass parents and coaches for encouraging their kids to maintain this farce, while simultaneously showing them that you must lie and cheat in life to win.

Both the Dick and the head Coach are kinda thinking “fuck it…..we’ll keep playing and not make waves and just enjoy ourselves because it’s just not worth it to start something over this”. But this NOT-A-FOOTBALL-MOM is thinking more like “hell to the fuck NO……someone needs to make sure that these douche bags at least KNOW we’re on to their bullshit….and we know they’re also suck ass assholes too!”

I just want the Dick and the Coach to let this mad-momma-dog off her leash. If there is something you WANT to be said, even if it’s not pretty and smiley and nice, I’m the person you tell. I don’t mind pissing people off or cussing mother fuckers out if the situation calls for it…..and I’ve got a MEAN right hook and a legendary one-hitter-quitter…if the situation calls for that also. What I’m NOT is the person you tell something like this to and then ask her to not say anything and let it go and keep quiet and play well with others. That’s not how I’m made. The Dick already knows this…….our head Coach is probably wishing he’d known this sooner.

So I’m torn between doing “what’s best for the team” and……well…..”doing what’s best for the team”. There is no clear and concise right way or wrong way to do this particular thing. Either way….I’m gonna feel like shit about it because it’s an incredibly shitty situation. Life is filled with incredibly shitty situations, I know. Only, not all of them are hand-made shitty situations, concocted by a group of adults who should KNOW better!

Fuckers…..ALL of them that are in on this…..just a bunch of shitty dumb fuckers!