First of all…..I’m not sure if you were even aware of it, but there was recently a VOTE!  No…no….I’m not referring to the Presidential election two days ago.  This was far more specific to my blog (I will not say MORE IMPORTANT because even I know that would make me sound like an arrogant asshole).  In light of all the blogs I’ve been reading recently who call their readers something brilliantly witty and very (perversely) specific to their blog page (for instance Red Vines and Red Wines calls her followers Winos…..Mary Tyler Mom calls hers Rhodas), I recently took a poll on my Life With Penis People Facebook page of my lovely followers, asking them what THEY would like to be called (I mean, aside from kick ass hookers).  After woefully inept voting turnout (whatever…I think it was a Friday night and everyone on FB was drunk already), it was decided almost unanimously (and in just under thirty minutes) that thee shall be called PECKERHEADS hence forth.  GREAT!!!  So now that we’ve got THAT outta the way….

I’ve been doing a LOT of driving lately.  Yep, momma FINALLY managed to find employment outside of this humble abode….one that pays fairly well (mostly…to my babysitter)…the people are mostly friendly (except for one bitchy whore who will obviously figure out VERY SOON that I’m an EVEN BITCHIER WHORE)….and it’s not too far away (far away being a completely relevant term in this instance).

My commute to work can be tackled in just under 24 minutes.  It’s a breath of fresh air for me (except for the fact that I’m smoking like a chimney the whole drive) because for the first time in almost TWO FUCKING YEARS….I am ALONE IN MY CAR.  The solitude is POSITIVELY AMAZING!!!!  I hadn’t been prepared for HOW MUCH I would enjoy it.  In the mornings, I offer sprinkly hugs and loving momma smoochies all around to the young penis people, grab my grown up shit and try REALLY hard to not let my enthusiasm show as I skip out the door each day, a smile plastered unmistakably on my face.  I plop my ass into my car, crank up the tunes, light a cigarette or four and head off into the sunrise.  ALONE!!!  There is no one peppering me with dinosaur facts.  I don’t have to keep the radio volume to a minimum for the sake of young ears.  I’m ALONE!!!!

However, still a little new to this whole commute-to-a-foreign-city thing, I must rely on the trusty GPS on my phone to maneuver my way around.  Make no mistake….GPS is my best friend.  I’m far more directionally challenged than I’d care to admit (shit…I just admitted, didn’t I).  Seriously, I can just as easily get lost walking from my back yard to my front yard as I can driving to the store.  So, in theory, I LOVE GPS…..can’t imagine how people who are too poor to afford GPS manage (to read maps…to follow maps while driving…..to FOLD a map properly….do they even SELL maps any more??)

I used to have an AWESOME GPS…..it had a friendly British female voice.  I called her Hooker Pants.  She was my trusty road dog.  Then….in one of the most amazing displays of stupidity that I’ve ever had (ya know, being a cop’s wife and all)….I left my car doors unlocked…..in an unsavory neighborhood (that of my childhood home…yep, unsavory)…..with my purse/wallet/precious Hooker Pants GPS lying on full display in the front seat.  Some crackhead likely found my wallet woefully under-stocked (it was nearly Christmas and I was mostly broke from Christmas shopping)…but he probably scored a good twenty bucks for Hooker Pants.  Cha-ching for him!  What is that….like two rocks worth???

I had to mourn Hooker Pants AND use Mapquest as my back up for navigation.

Mapquest blows big smelly balls BTW…who do they let map these routes…..preschoolers??

Finally, I realized that my smart phone (smart being a completely IRRELEVANT term in this instance) had GPS available as a free app.  No sooner did I download it, I came to the stark realization that my “new” GPS was now a penis person.  First of all……isn’t that sorta ironic??  Penis people…who are generally most well-known for their LACK of direction….or ASKING for directions…..are in charge of giving ME directions now????  I think all GPS should be available ONLY in a sultry female voice…calmly calling out your route turn by turn.  Gently coaxing you to make a left when your gut is telling you to make a right.  Humming softly during long stretches of silence.  Think soft and breathy tones…much like a sex phone operator or a hooker low on funds.

MY asshole penis person GPS is methodically impatient and grouchy :

“Ahem….Your exit is coming up in  only three miles…..GET OVER NOW so you’ll be ready long before you need to be”.

“You missed your exit……I’m SO SURE you didn’t mean to ignore my stellar sense of direction….but you need to turn around”.

“So….you’re ignoring ME????  Well….aren’t YOU such a super smarty pants…..obviously you don’t even really NEED my help.”

“Seriously….did you make an executive decision that you failed to tell me about…..because according to MY calculations…..you are STILL going the wrong way”.

“You know…..whatever….YOU’RE A BITCH and I’M DONE HELPING YOU….DO IT YOUR DAMN SELF CAUSE….I’M….DONE”.

Seriously….my penis person GPS hates me and my notorious split second decision-making abilities.  I once veered off course a bit to make a pit stop at a store.  He was NOT pleased with this detour :

“Excuse me….but where the HELL do YOU think you’re going???  Do you REALLY need to stop at the store???  Does the Dick know about this???  Because I’m calling him right now to let him know.  You’re gonna get in trouble.”

 

I’ve nearly had just about enough of his pissy attitude.  I was (((this close))) to tossing his stupid ass out the window the other day….but then I realize he’s connected to my phone….and I love my phone too much to do THAT.  I’m nearly certain that there has GOT to be some way to change his infuriating irritating male voice.  Only…..I haven’t figured it out yet.  So I’m stuck with his grouchy ass…..because, clearly, I NEED GPS!

 

 

 

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