……lately, on FB, I’ve seen throngs upon throngs of friends posting each day the things they are thankful for.  For…..thirty….full….days.  While I applaud them their tenacity, I know I wouldn’t do well with this.  I can barely concentrate on thirty-second intervals of my life…..once a day for thirty days seems too preposterous to even attempt.

Then, I had a thought….I’ll post all the shit I’m thankful for in one blog post.  BOOM!  My awesome ideas astound me sometimes.  So here it is Peckerheads…….all the shit I’m thankful for……be warned….this ain’t your standard “thankful list”.

I am thankful for the awesome people I have met through the wonderful power of facebook.  I’m lucky, because crime drama shows and scary movies tells us that most strangers you meet on the internet are serial killers or freaks who will molest you (and NOT in the good way you’re hoping for). Not a one of them are creepy stalkers (truth be told, I’m probably the creepy stalker in our relationship).   Most of them write blogs, ALL of them are kick ass….especially Dawnie Sparkles (the sparkliest bitch I know) who writes Red Vines and Red Wines…..Nikki who is the founder and head bitch in charge at Moms Who Drink and Swear…..Michele, who is a force of nature and amazing in her strength writes Looking for my Escape and Sam who is a kick ass momma of eight and tells the tales of such a crazy-mind-fucking experiment in Mom of Eight Little Ankel Biters.  There are so many more that I KNOW I should be naming…..but I’m tired and a little winky from liquid happiness so please forgive me.

I am thankful for the wonderful bunch of friends that I’m lucky enough to surround myself with.  I was having a conversation with my friend Donna on Saturday night….one of those terrific conversations when you have a ton of shit to catch up on and gossip about.  And while we were talking, she didn’t even bat an eyelash when I told her that I think inanimate objects have feelings….yes…you read that correctly.  When I load my dishwasher in the evening, and I happen to leave one of the penis persons’ sippy cups out alone by itself, I worry that it will be lonely and miss all its friends that are hanging out safely in the dishwasher…..I worry about this until I make myself go and put it with its friends.  When I put a fork in the spoon bin in my silverware drawer, I worry that the spoons will be mean to the single fork in their midst…..and I will not rest until I place him safely with his family of forks.  Did I ever promise you I would be normal all the time???  HELL NO!!!

I am thankful that The Dick is working 12 hour shifts……so that I can have the damn TV all to myself and NOT have to watch fucking sports!  (You thought maybe I was gonna be all mushy and shit didn’t you……you were maybe gonna be wrong).

I am thankful for the job that I have to go to every day…..because it provides a decent paycheck and a nice little cushion in the event that I find myself drawn to some wonderful retail therapy.  Plus, it has given me the opportunity to be snarky and funny with a WHOLE BRAND NEW BATCH of people…..people who didn’t know just how freaking awesome I am or how truly lucky they are to be graced with my presence….. but they are slowly starting to figure it out…..

I am thankful for my Mother In Law.  I know….I know….I KNOW!  I am a traitor to my gender because, as a female, I am inherently programmed that I MUST hate “the other woman”.  But, the truth is, I don’t.  She is a kick ass woman!  She raised five children all alone and never whines or complains about it…EVER!!  She LOVES my penis people nearly as much as I do and she doesn’t stick her nose in my mommy business or get on my nerves!  If I were to ever kick The Dick to the curb, I would keep her around because I just like her THAT much!

I am thankful for Drop Kick Murphys and The Pogues.  Irish Punk Rock Bands are the shiz-nit. Even thought I’m officially married to The Dick…if a hot Irish guy with a mind-blowing accent knocked on the door and wanted to whisk me away, my only hesitation would be for my kids…..  If you’ve never heard “Fuck You I’m Drunk” or “Kiss Me I’m Shitfaced” or “Fairy Tales of New York”…..you just fucking suck!!!!  The only way to redeem yourself is to go and google those songs now!

I am thankful for alcohol…..enough said!  Nothing kicks the shit outta the mommy blues like a nice bottle of blue vodka!

I am thankful for my “dirty nerdy” glasses….for without them I would be running into things far more than my clumsy ass already does.

I am thankful for my wonderful sister……We didn’t always “like” one another growing up….but we always LOVED one another for sure.  She and I can sit on the phone for HOURS gossiping and cracking on all the completely insane people we know (and sometimes have a mutual hatred for).  She will ALWAYS have my back and I will ALWAYS have hers!

I am thankful for Skittles…….they are amazing little bits of happiness….the ONLY way that they could be better is if they shot directly from a unicorns ass!

I am thankful that the Halloween candy is NEARLY gone.  All that’s left is the nasty shit that nobody really likes….and I would REALLY be thankful if I hadn’t helped kill off almost half of it myself.

I am thankful that my sister-in-law LOVES to make a Thanksgiving turkey…..I love turkey….I HATE making it.  I’m not a huge fan of performing a gyno-exam on a dead fowl and then removing its cold, slimy insides.  I am thankful that she has graciously agreed to host every Thanksgiving and allow me to host every Christmas…..I love hosting Christmas at my house because then I can let the kids open their presents and NOT have to rush out the door thirty minutes after doing so.

I am thankful for the bunch of crazy buncha bitches (yes, even YOU fourteen yr old Rylee get to be a crazy bitch just for doing it) who will be shaving their heads with me in March as part of Michigan Team Donna’s Good Things.  We will ROCK THE SHIT outta baldness and will make you SO jealous that you can’t be as cool as us!  If you would like to donate to our team, click the link above….please and thank you!

I am thankful for “The Walking Dead”….while entertaining, it has also taught me how to kill zombies in what I am sure is an impending zombie-apocolypse. Additionally, I know now that I need to seek out a really hot red-neck and make friends with him.  Because he will kick ass at zombie killing and he will also be able to hunt us up some food in the woods.  I also know that you should definitely avoid the slightly handsome older gentleman who offers you a safe haven in his warped little town….because you might just end up a head floating in goo in a jar on his shelf. all

I am immensely thankful for you, my wonderful Peckerheads!  Long ago, when I started this blog, I never imagined ANY ONE would give a shit at all about what I had to say.  And yet, here you are!  While I know that, generally, each of you are just as twisted and demented as I, I am thankful for your support when you read my blog.  You seriously ROCK MY SOCKS OFF!

Finally, I am eternally thankful for the penis people in my life.  Those two startling cool kids make me a better person.  They love me even my freak flag is flying high.  They keep me grounded in this world and remind me to appreciate the simple shit.  While I KNOW that I’m pretty fucking awesome, I never imagined that I could produce two small penis people who are a billions times more awesome than I.  They are the reason I get up each and every day……mostly because THEY ARE EARLY RISING CRACK HEADED BAY-BAY KIDS AND ARE WAKING ME UP….but you know what I mean.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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