First of all….yes, I’m aware I suck big smelly balls (not ACTUALLY of course, but more metaphorically speaking)!  I’ve been slipping a bit on the blogging.  I would LOVE to say that I will solemnly promise to do better and blog with more frequency.  But…..we all know that with this horrific blissful holiday season stomping on our asses and knocking at our door, I would be lying my ass off to even think to promise such a thing.  So I will just say that I will PROMISE to TRY!  That’s the best I can offer you peckerheads at the moment!

The Dick and I had an encounter recently that, when I posted about it on my FB status, left many of my friends both truly frightened and epically horrified.

The Dick and I had somehow found ourselves in the kitchen at the same time (I can assure you that this is generally a recipe for disaster anyway).  He sauntered over to me OH SO nonchalantly and punched me in the shoulder…..hard!  I was busy slicing and dicing up some pickles with a nice SHARP cutting utensil (seriously, I have food issues…it was a snack…..don’t even ask).  So….I did the first thing that came naturally to me……I poked him in the ribs with the business end of a steak knife.  Shut up….. it wasn’t even hard enough to draw blood.  After a short scuffle that resulted in  absolutely zero life threatening injuries……we both laughed our asses off and proceeded on our merry mother fucking way.

My friends positively could NOT fathom that this…THIS…is the way the Dick and I show our love for one another!  We call them “LOVE TAPS”.   Regularly, we will punch one another and then bolt in the opposite direction, laughing maniacally, knowing full well that a retaliation is surely brewing.  I can generally be heard AT LEAST once a day shouting “Do it again, bitch ass, and I will punch you in the nuts until you cry”.   Charlie horses, intentional pokes in the eye, that thing you do where you walk up behind someone when they aren’t paying attention and thrust your knee into the back of their knees (pain is the main objective….making the person fall down means bonus points)…..these are our version of hugging and snuggling…..LOVE TAPS!

In fact, snuggling is nearly always just an “innocent” means to draw the other person close enough so as to have better aim at their extremities.

I will, quite regularly, walk by him and plant an awesome Ninja kick to his thigh.  With nearly just as much regularity, he will walk up behind me and twist my arm up behind my back until I’m both laughing and crying out in pain at the same time (his awesome police skills at their best).  THIS is what we do for laughs…….SERIOUSLY……we howl with laughter EACH AND EVERY TIME (ok, to be honest, it mostly depends on if you’re on the giving or the receiving end, but you get what I’m saying).

One night, the Dick and I were snuggled up on the couch watching a movie (ok, please note that I should have known better to be snuggled up to the Dick…WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING).  From out of nowhere, he grasped that REALLY tender skin under bicep and proceeded to pinch AND twist!  FUCK!!!  That hurt like hell……

……but I was successfully able to block out that crazy pain by firmly grabbing the tip of his nose and squeezing.  Each of us had a DEATH GRIP on the other and we were BOTH refusing to let go until the other one did first.  This SERIOUSLY went on for about 20 minutes because neither of us wanted to be the dumb fuck that let go first.  The bruises and red marks that ensued were WICKED!  The final result was I looked like a poster for battered women……he resembled Rudolph.  Try explaining THAT to your friends and family and coworkers.

Oddly, as I sit here reading this over, it seriously starts to sound almost sexual, doesn’t it?!!?!?  Oh……..GOD!!!  Why had this NEVER occurred to me before now???  Is it possible that the Dick and I, all along, have been unknowing participants in some bizarre and twisted foreplay?!?!?!  I’m sure Freud would have A SHIT TON of opinions about this freaky display of affection………  Me??  I’ve just officially creeped MYSELF the hell out!  I do believe I’ve just sank to my new all time low!