Boobies Make Me Smile!!!

Boobies Make Me Smile!!!

Many, many years ago, there was some sort of grass-roots initiative somewhere over in Canada.  A group of really angry, pissed off women gathered together and decided that it wasn’t fair AT ALL that men got to walk around topless in the summer and women didn’t.  What likely started out as a small band of protestors suddenly grew to a fervor in no time at all.  In what can only be described as a public-relations nightmare of epic proportions, many women were seen walking the streets topless and JUST DARING the police to arrest them. If I remember correctly, as quickly as the throngs of bare-chested women grew, they just as quickly diminished.  Likely, with body issues surely abounding and  throngs of leering men and cold nipply weather just around the corner, it wasn’t nearly as fun and kick-ass as they thought it would be.  However, for as short-lived as their protest was, I was both proud and humbled by what they were trying to do for their fellow sistas all over the world.

Last summer, I was sitting with the penis people and the Dick, outside enjoying the excruciatingly hot summer sun.  All three of the penis-weilding individuals were shirtless and (relatively) cool.  I, on the other hand, forced to wear not only the great harness of boob support AND a shirt, found myself with some serious under-the-boob sweat going on.  It was a fleeting thought, but I recalled those awesome women and their attempt to make it far less scandalous to let their girls out to play.  Several nights ago, I once again caught myself staring at the bare-chested Dick.  No….I wasn’t trying to draw him in with some sultry “come hither” look in my eye.  Actually, what I found myself doing was wondering, once again, why it’s so acceptable for penis people to wander through life sans shirt while we must cover ourselves appropriately.  The Dick noticed me looking at him and instantly knew the wheels were spinning in my head.  He paused for a moment, obviously assessing the situation to decide if this was a thought he was interested in hearing (he is obviously ALREADY smart enough to know that clearly I WAS NOT checking him out in an attempt to sex him up). Now, before you convince yourself that I’m becoming nearly obsessive about this whole shirtless-barechested issue, think about it.  There are many cultures where women walk daily with their top-half girly bits proudly on display.  I often wonder when and how did it become positively ludicrous to think that men and women aren’t equally entitled to be comfortable in their own skin on the exact same terms.  We live in a country where its taboo for a woman to breast feed a baby in public but positively A-fucking-OK to have 1/2 naked women on billboards the size of houses along the freeway.  It’s really a mixed message of both absolute loathing and unadulterated admiration.

And we can’t even pretend to entertain the notion that its simply just an aesthetic issue.  Clearly, there are many men whose “moobs” rival the size of many of the women I know.  And THEIR moobs are covered in hair and look entirely too furry.  And, if I’m being honest, I would much rather see God-given saggy boobs flopping around than to see hairy “moobs” that are falsely generated by far too many carbs and ice cream. But when I’ve really taken the time to think about it (and trust me…….I’m sure by now y’all are ALREADY convinced I’ve spent far too many brain cells on this topic thus far), I realized that Boobies REALLY DO hold power!  Men have killed one another over the curves on a woman’s body, probably very particularly THESE specific curves.  People with penises are often positively MESMERIZED by the mere suggestion of a quick glance at them.

I’ve become convinced that the real reason that WOMEN simply cannot walk around topless is because MEN would be positively unable to function daily. Think about any situation where its acceptable for men to be topless and swap in a woman instead.  I can promise you that beaches would be far more popular.  A quick, healthy  jog around the block mid-spring would stop traffic. Even a friendly poolside barbecue amongst neighbors would be tricky.  The ramifications quite obviously outweigh the benefits of an equal society.  Even a husband and wife, sitting idly by watching television together, would add a whole different dimension if both of those two people were topless.  Because, while I am generally COMPLETELY unphased by the Dick hanging out shirtless (please, tell me I’m not the only wife generally completely unphased), I can promise you that if I walked around in all my naked-top-half glory, I would probably be molested on an hourly basis by the Dick.

Which leads me to the following sordid story………..

Growing up, I was obviously (and very awkwardly) disproportionately sized.  While the rest of my body was still stuck in prepubescent child-mode, my boobs had, seemingly overnight, morphed into porn star status.  And it drew me a shit ton of unwanted attention.  I was groped and fondled more times than I can count on two hands.  Boys thought that since my girls were right out there saying hello, they would kindly oblige them with a perfunctory greeting as well.  To be clear, many MANY of those young boys were met with a knee squarely planted in their own young nether regions.  I was as fearless then as I am now, to be sure, and I’ve never tolerated sexual advances such as those, even if the aggressor is merely the ripe old age of 12 or so.

Once, when one particular boy got entirely too hands on with my goods, I kicked him in the groin so directly and so forcefully that his parents had to take him to the emergency room for treatment.  In my defense (as if I actually need one) he and his friend had me cornered with no way of escape and I was actually pretty freaked out by the whole thing. And while I had initially been pretty satisfied that he wouldn’t be making THAT mistake ever again, I found myself quite surprised to be called to the principal’s office the next morning and instructed to bring both parents.  It was there, me sitting sandwiched between my parents, that the principal informed us that I would be suspended for “injuring another student”.   What…..the….FUCK?!?!?!?  My wonderful Dad immediately jumped to my defense and peppered the principal with a thousand angry objections and equally angry questions……such as “What consequences would this young man face himself”.  The principal, a penis person as well, indicated that I’d “caused enough damage to this boy and his genitals and that would be considered punishment enough”.   I am still both shocked and amazed that my father didn’t pummel that moron for even suggesting that one held the same validity as the other.

It wasn’t long before the conversation turned to talk of attorneys and charges of molestation and in one fell swoop, I was permitted to return to school, cleared of all my “charges”.  My father was proud of me for defending myself.   My mother was confident that she’d raised an amazing kick ass daughter who didn’t take that kind of shit from anyone.  And the boy never laid a single hand on me again.  He and I actually reconnected over Facebook and joke about it now.

I guess the moral of this story is, from the moment little girls don’t appear so little any longer, they need to seriously recognize the amazing power that boobs have.  As mothers and fellow women, we should instill in them the specific idea that, while boobs are pretty damn AMAZING, no one should ever handle them inappropriately or without permission.  They should be proud of their individual size and shape, whether they are natural or manufactured.   And we should implore them to own the fact that these powerful tools should be protected and guarded.  And defended at all costs!