I’ve never considered myself an overtly lazy mom.  Yes, there are times when I’m quite happy to sit my happy ass on the couch and let the penis people just destroy the fuck outta the house…..in a vain attempt to enjoy a few moments of coveted solitude, I’m happy to trade-off the fact that I will spend AT LEAST an hour putting the damn house back in order. It’s just a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

Generally speaking, I’m super hands on and (mostly) enjoy teaching my penis people new things.  But the concept of potty training…….just escapes my limited grasp on the plumbing persona of penis people.  Add to this the fact that the wee penis person is UBER headstrong and tends to buck the slightest notion of conforming to anything normal……and I’m ((THIS CLOSE)) to resigning myself to the fact that I just may very well be forced to diaper him well into high school.  Whatever……I’m slightly suspect that the creator of adult diapers was actually a really stressed out mommy who couldn’t fathom the notion of EVER being able to potty train her child adequately.

Wee penis person has gone and convinced himself that potty training is not about finally being a big boy, but alas, more  a twisted little game of “how many times can I say I HAFTA go potty, but then do nothing and smile smugly while my mother BEGS me to just DO IT”.  We sing songs……we peer into the commode and will his penis to make piss bubbles in the water….We made a damn potty chart and I’ve promised him a lifetime of stickers and M&M treats…….YES, we tried the fucking “aim for the Cheerios”…….but PRECISELY what I suspected would happen…..DID!  Wee penis person was far less interested in sinking them with his wee willy wonker and instead attempted to dive in for a soggy snack.  FAIL!!! FAIL!!! FAIL!!!  With a side serving of “just threw up in my mouth a little”.

What I’m beginning to realize, much to my dismay, is that wee penis person is running dangerously close to the end of the toddler sizes in diapers.  Whilst I’ve been squeezing his pudgy ass into those husky-sized diapers, I’ve had time to ponder, with wonder and amazement, that sizing is equally as unkind to children as it is to women.  While my oldest penis person was remarkably simple to potty train and was outta diaper by size four, I innocently wondered why diapers generally are only available up to size six.  What is painfully clear NOW is……this would be in direct correlation to the fact that, normally, you should have those fuckers potty trained by then.  Have I mentioned that wee penis person lives to refuse to conform to the normal standard???

And I sit and wonder……realistically…….what is the absolute oldest age of an un-potty trained child??? And I’m equally curious as to whether or not the wee penis person and I can beat that number.  He seems quite happily up for the challenge.  And frankly, I’m just too damn tired of fighting with him to care.  I suspect I would gladly diaper his ass all the way ’til college to avoid this.

And sometimes……just sometimes……I wanna tell the oldest child “Thanks SO much for making first time parenting seem like SUCH a breeze.  Because of you….I am woefully inept at parenting this second child.”  But THAT would be JUST MEAN!