FINALLY……a penis person with the balls to devise a rebuttal to my famous post about The Real Moms Guide to the Don’ts of Sex (click on the link here to refresh your memory about the shit storm that I started with THAT particular blog).

When I initially wrote the blog, it was supposed to be a snarky/funny little reminder to the penis people in our lives about the shit that might irritate us.  More than EIGHT THOUSAND PEOPLE read it (according to the stats for that day).  Lots of you hookers laughed your asses off and could totally relate!  Even most of the penis people who read it…..at least those with a killer sense of humor…..thought it funny.  But I had quite a few haters too……which is cool.  I can deal with haters.  I am happy to banter back and forth with them…..INTELLIGENTLY.   But there were a few that got a little TOO personal and were a tad too ignorant….and I, in true ME fashion, had to pimp slap them with my pretend penis.

Of the many haters, I challenged each and every damn one of them to come up with their own list of  and I would happily post it and give them full credit.  Not a damn one of them took me up on it.  Maybe they didn’t know how to type…..maybe they weren’t very articulate…….maybe they just don’t have the balls to speak their mind.  I sometimes find it pretty pathetic that my PRETEND BALLS are bigger than most mens REAL ones!

So recently, I was discussing this with my friend Sidney.  Sidney runs a very successful company called The East Side Party.  Dude is also a pretty amazing writer and comedian.  He’d been contemplating (and contemplating and contemplating) writing a blog for a while now. When he finally did (you can find his debut blog Why Would He Marry You here) I was thrilled.  He’s already writing a book (I’ve read excerpts…I promise its fucking hilarious).  So when he read the post above (and after laughing his ass off) I asked him if he would like to post a rebuttal.  Sidney agreed and the rest is history.  So……….  here is the rebuttal to my post that caused quite a stir (and not the good “in your pants” kind)…..and gave me my 15 seconds of fame.

Keep in mind that Sidney, while being pretty fucking brutally honest, is also just as snarky and sarcastic as I am.  You gotta love and appreciate a penis person’s point of view!  He fits in nicely with this motley group!

 

Guest blogger and penis person Sidney Smith with a penis perspective……..just telling it like it is……

 

A good friend of mine, Danielle Bare, wrote a blog back in September, titled “The Real Moms Guide to the DON’Ts of Sex…”  This same friend requested I write a rebuttal.  And while I can appreciate what she wrote, and where she and the vaginas are coming from. I am really happy she invited me to write a response. So let me do a couple of the things that I do best. Educate and advise you ladies on what’s really going on. Pay attention vaginas, because this is going to keep some of you married and get the others that brass ring!  You’re welcome!

Let’s start here first: you ladies say you discuss sex often among yourselves. Well unless that convo is going to turn into a full recording of Skinamax movie, nobody cares. Get to loving on your man a little more often. You’d be surprised how much more your man will do, once he’s put on a REGULAR SCHEDULE of  ball rocking sex.

Now onto the list:

  • Nobody wants to hear your excuses about kids sleeping. Just another BS reason to not give up the ass. Yeah I said it like that. Not here to romance you, just to educate. This whole one hour waiting period is just so your ass can fall asleep. Any dude married or otherwise, has been onto this mess for a while.
  • Crying Babies: please see above. I know you all like to repeat yourselves. But we don’t. Moving on.
  • Baby talk? If he’s baby talking you to death, then it’s probably your fault. That’s some shit he probably found on Skinamax at 2 am. Which he was watching because you wouldn’t rub his balls. Just saying. Your fault.
  • Your dude is talking during sex to give himself a play by play blow of what’s going on. This is how he immortalizes these moments. It’s kind of what he has to do, since it will be his next birthday before he sees that vagina of yours again.
  • Now I love when a woman complains about such things as breath. Because it’s not as if you’re coming to bed looking and smelling like Jessica Biel. You want him to accept it. So can you.
  • Men don’t get interested in blow jobs. We are interested in buying a new tv or car. WE WANT BLOW JOBS! You could find that stick before you were married. Truth be told, a man will take GOOD head over A FAKE PERFORMANCE in bed any day. Remember that!
  • Don’t want that ass smacked. Give it up more often, so he can stay away from the Skinamax at 2 am.
  • Hurry up during sex? Child please. Trust me when I say this. You ladies control that damn stamina thing. You can tire a dude out, when you are handling your business properly and on schedule. Give it up more often and he doesn’t feel the need for the marathon.
  • Lastly, you want us to understand that you are tired. You are busy. You are moms. I got news for you ladies. This is a 2 way street. These men are tired. They too are busy. They are dads. But you don’t care about any of that when you want, what you want. Come on now!

Ladies, this was written to advise you all with a little humor. But seriously though. Treat your man the way you did when you wanted that diamond. Unless you want another woman who will read this, to do it for you.

You’re welcome!

Advertisements