Does THAT hurt???

Does THAT hurt???

Ok, so I already know, as I sit typing furiously on my keyboard, that this will likely bring forth an onslaught of negativity!  Ironically, that kinda brings me great joy.  Sometimes NOTHING makes me happier that starting a shit storm and then sitting back to see precisely what happens.

As I was changing the wee penis person’s diaper the other night, he shoved my hand aside quite roughly (for a toddler) and admonished me “Careful mommy, don’t break it”.  OF COURSE he was talking about his penis (or maybe he was talking about his balls….whatever, those two things are practically interchangeable as far as I’m concerned).  I was dumbfounded that the little shit ALREADY knows how fucking important this particular section of his tiny lil body is.  I grilled the Dick endlessly to see if he had instructed the tot to protect this location or not.

He CLAIMS no……..I’m particularly unconvinced.

I have long since held to the theory that men tend to over exaggerate the pain that has HISTORICALLY been associated with being hit in the balls.  To be certain, I know it MIGHT hurt SOME……am positive there will be the BRIEFEST level of an uncomfortable feeling…..will concede to the fact that it might be TAD bit sore.  But EXCRUCIATING????  Writhing-in-agony kinda pain????  People get stabbed repeatedly and appear to suffer less body convulsing than a man whose nuts are merely GRAZED.

And so, because we live in an awesome, technology driven age of wonder….I consulted the vast world of the internet.  Now, I realize this isn’t specifically THE MOST accurate place to look for information.  But again, I must concede to the fact that polling a large group of men will result in two things……..1) it will appear that I’m incredibly creepy…..because polling random strangers about their balls just REEKS of crazy……2) I doubt I will get an accurate answer.  If, as I suspect, men are predispositioned to believe this….they are likely to tell me the opposite of what I’m hoping to find out.

And so……I gulped down a tasty beverage in preparation for all the incredibly weird shit I’m likely to find when I type “TESTICALS” into the search box on the internet……….

First site that I tentatively stumbled upon (after completely ignoring all the “what causes blue balls” and “I have a lump in my testicles” websites) was StraightDope.com, with the question posed “Getting hit in the groin for men is like getting hit in the _________ for women”.  First….I have a huge problem with the inherent fact that, essentially, it was a group of men who were INSISTING that nothing for a woman comes close to the comparable pain that the men feel when their family jewels are roughed up.  I am compelled to call a big giant BULLSHIT here!  Because it would seem that once again……..men suffer more than women, no matter the situation…..no matter the level of pain.  Plus, the argument lost much of its validity when I got the sense that most of the respondents mental state had yet to reach puberty.  And so…..the research continued.

** PLEASE NOTE that in the midst of my uber important research fact-finding mission…..the Dick took THIS opportunity to feign interest in my blog and wax philosophical about the merits of truth behind what I conclude to be myth.  He practically pulled out a medical dictionary and showed me proof that I was WRONG…..WRONG…..WRONG!  I would love to quote him directly here……but mostly all I heard was BLAH BLAH BLAH…..BALLS….BLAH BLAH BLAH! I remember thinking to myself “I wonder if the Dick can TELL that I’m not paying attention”.

After spending an hour of life I will NEVER get back sliding further and further into a really dark world, I gave up.  The bad news is….I didn’t come up with the answer I was looking for.   The good news is…….I’m pretty sure I’ve finally found the skeevy stalker I’ve been hoping for all my life.  I wonder if he is more the “starve them then kill them” type creeper or the “go directly to torture and kill” type???

Anyway……what I personally believe is this……men will ALWAYS insist that this sort of pain is insanely intense.  And then, in an apparent attempt to amuse others, some will allow themselves to be repeatedly hit/kicked/punched in the very “delicate” nether-regions……mostly by other men.  And my question is this…….if it hurts THAT bad……why????  Why would this be allowed???  If this particular spot is so desperately needing to be protected at all costs……why do some men seem to enjoy a little sexual rough-housing with their happy sack?  Is it just a matter of convenience depending on the situation??

Obviously, since I clearly don’t have balls……

(not REAL ones anyway…but I’ve always been convinced my PRETEND ONES are sometimes bigger than some mens’ REAL ones)

I suspect I will NEVER know the answer to this question.  But since the answers I’m getting from the Dick

(who should win an Oscar for most dramatic performance in “The Man Cold”)

and from other male friends (who I’ve assured myself might be following some man-code as it relates to this particular subject)…..

I will have to reserve the right to remain summarily skeptical.

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