So…..the Dick and I seem to have a love/hate relationship with our bed and our sleeping arrangements.  We both LOVE our bed…..we both LOVE to sleep……we DO NOT enjoy sleeping next to one another, locked in a perpetual tug of war over who will be snoozing WHERE.  The Dick has worked mids for his entire career…..he will always work mids. And I’m cool with that.  Grateful, even.  Because as much as I LOVE having him home (((insert snarky sarcasm here))) I positively LOATHE sharing our marital bed with him.

I have always enjoyed having my own space.  I am a person who enjoys the comfort and solace of their own company.  I’m pretty damn independent.   I don’t need someone to snuggle with at night to let me know I’m loved (spooning makes me claustrophobic and sleeping in the crook of his arm just leaves me with deodorant mashed all up in my hair comes dawn), nor do I need him to chase the boogy man from my dreams (the boogy man would probably be more afraid of ME anyway).  Rarely have I ever felt that inherent tug of fear that some women feel when they’re home alone (or home with just their crotchfruit) at night.  Things that go bump in the dark don’t spook me.  The sound of a home settling doesn’t find me hiding under the covers wishing he were here to send out into the house in his boxers, armed with only a baseball bat, calling “hello” out to a criminal that would possibly pounce on him and knock him silly……wait….that migth ACTUALLY SOLVE my problem….hmmmm….sorry, off topic.  Unlike George W. Bush…..I know where all the weapons of mass destruction are located and I’m not the least bit afraid to use them to protect my family.

What I AM afraid of is the increasingly gnawing fact that I may single-handedly (ok, he’s big, I may need TWO hands) smother the Dick with his own shitty ass pillow if I get elbowed in the rib cage once more on nights that he’s sleeping at home, trying to occupy MY space.  We both have our “spot” in the bed when we’re alone.  Me, slumbering soundly in the night-time like all the other REGULAR people……he, sleeping like the dead during the day, much like vampire, the room permanently like dusk due to our room darkening shades.  The point is…….the same spot *I* love to sleep in during the night-time JUST HAPPENS to be the same spot *HE* likes to sleep in during the day.  So when the unfortunate two days a week come that we are both vainly vying for the *SAME* spot……well….he’s obviously bigger…….and I’m generally too damn tired to actually kill him, then have to drag the body out to my too-small car trunk and drive it somewhere to relocate him permanently.  Besides….who would watch the penis people while all this killing and relocating were going on??

We’ve both tried to compromise.  Well….ok…..not really!  Honestly, what we’ve both mostly tried to do is secretly jockey for the best positioning while PRETENDING to care that the other person is positively miserable.  We’ve tried alternating nights……..*YOU* can sleep comfortably tomorrow…..but tonight *I* get to sleep comfortably and you can maybe sleep on the floor or the couch, if it’s not too much trouble.  M’kay….THANKS!  Here….be sure to take your sweaty, smelly ass pillow with you!  Sweet dream and G’night!  I figure if he can nap sitting up-right in a squad car with 40 pounds of gear strapped to him on his go-go gadget belt with a mic consistantly squawking inches away from his ear………the floor or the couch would be a step up in luxury, amiright!

Anyway……I know marriage and love and all that other mushy gunk is SUPPOSED to be about finding your “couple” balance and accepting that sometimes YOU will have to be uncomfortable for the sake of the one you have forsaken all others for.  FUCK…THAT…NOISE!  I’m pretty certain that NO WHERE in my marriage vows did I promise to forsake my own comfort for his.  And if I did….well, I retract my previous acceptance of said vow and would like to  amend it as follows :

** I solemnly promise not to kill you if you would just stay the fuck outta my space **