Recently on The Bachelor, there was a Dick who was a born again virgin.  Yes…he’d already experienced the mystical powers of penetration first hand.  PROBABLY even enjoyed it immensely.  However, he’d recently “found” himself….or found God….or Budda or whoever the fuck it is that he “found”….and something or someone told him sex before marriage was very very BAD and made him unworthy or some kinda dumb shit….. and so he decided he would become a born again virgin and pretend he’d never had sex before…..and would resolve to “save himself” for marriage and a wife.

** It should be noted here that I do NOT watch the bachelor…..not judging those who do…..I just don’t.**

Ok, obviously I’m paraphrasing what I assume were his thoughts and feelings.  While some might assume (and rightly so) that I’m a perpetually presumptive bitch, I suspect that I’m probably more accurate than I even know.

And I just HAVE to KNOW……

Where the FUCK did this stupid trend COME FROM?  Of all the things currently “trending” this one just pisses me off….I have no true idea why….it just fucking does.  I guess I’m just thinking that if you MUST lie…..don’t lie to YOURSELF!  Cause that’s just really shitty and sad.

I get that people get religion and suddenly, the old them that was once out having fun and doing dastardly deeds suddenly seems far less appealing to the “righteous” them.  I get that we all have regrets from our past that come back to haunt us and make us wish fervently that we could have a do-over.  But to actually think that you can just tell the world “I’m a born again virgin” and that will magically erase your freakishly freaky prior self???  I call bullshit.

And sadly, that dorky ass Bachelor is not the only one.  Bristol Palin, daughter of the notoriously famous just for being SO publicly dumb Sarah Palin, found herself making precisely the same decision.  Now, I should point out here that she has an adorable lil penis person who, oddly enough, calls her mom….which begs the question……can you really call a do-over on your virginity when there is walking/living/breathing PROOF that you are most certainly NOT a virgin?  How do you explain THAT…..I am a born again virgin and YOU are my immaculate conception?   If you were Bristol Palin and you were going to erase the proof of something, wouldn’t you start with the notion that your mother ran for Vice President and didn’t even know that Russia was not a place she could view from her patio?  Cause THAT is far more do-over worthy than a few sweaty, awkward attempts to stumble toward womanhood…..even if your baby daddy is Levi Johnston.

And Brittney Spears??  REALLY??  You had TWO crotchfruit!  AND had an epic public melt down (which may have sucked balls for you but was pretty stellar entertainment for the rest of us)……And NOW you want a do-over.  What does that say to your children??  “I made such erroneous life decisions that I turned to God and He told me to reclaim my virginity in an effort to erase my horrible past….and that includes my decisions to have YOU”.  Hey Britt, you may want to start saving for those therapy bills now.  And just as a side note….you gave it up willingly to K-Fed, but the SMMMMOKING hot man you have now gets NADA???  Wow….that’s kinda fucked.

What is it that makes some born-again Christians go all born-again Virgin on the world?  Because, it bears repeating, that if you HAVE done the dirty horizontal then you CANNOT be a virgin anymore.  Now…..you’re just a person abstaining from sex….and a big giant LOSER with a capital “L”…..and you will probably be masturbating A LOT due to overwhelming sexual frustration….which is ALSO against “God’s plan”, if I remember correctly.  So, essentially, you just traded one sin for another.  And P.S…… you traded down…..cause sinful sexy stuff is WAAAY more fun when it involves two people.

Where would we even begin to draw the line on do-overs?  By simply saying it…..does it really make it so?

Good, bad or ugly….every epically dumb decision you made in your life has molded and shaped you into the person you are today.  To think that you can just magically “erase” those poor life choices means, essentially, you are unhappy with the person you really are.  And that, my friends, takes a lot more than a do-over to fix.

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