Today…I realized that Father’s Day is merely four days away and I had purchased nary a card for the dads that I know.    Card purchasing is NOT my forte.  I loathe it like a hooker loathes an STD checkup.  In my immediate family, we had long ago agreed to completely forgo the standard $5 greeting card (that usually just gets tossed in the trash anyway) and just place a heartfelt phone call……or send a thoughtful text message.  Or write a loving and meaningful message on a Facebook wall post.  In my family, we are very easy to please.

But Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are the exceptions to the rule.  It is simply understood that dues must be paid mother fucker…..and they must come in the form of a cheesy greeting card on thick, cheap paper and mailed in a timely fashion so as to reach its recipient AT LEAST two days before or after said event.

And so I grudgingly trudge off to the nearest drug store on my lunch hour today, bound and determined to find cheesy but meaningful cards for the dads while still having time to spare to go and grab some ACTUAL lunch….because I was starving like a mo’fo and Taco Bell was calling my name.  I figured my hunger pains would prompt me to be QUICK.  I was also quite hopeful that, in an effort to not blow my kids college fun on stupid cheesy cards, I could manage keep it under twenty bucks.  While I sensed I might be setting myself up for complete and utter failure, I was trying to remain optimistic.  My expectations were FAR too high!

There I stood, scrambling to locate cards for each father.  Knowing full and goddamn well that the words splashed across them would sound positively generic in every sense and also cognizant of the fact that I loathed this SO much that I really didn’t even give a shit.  Two for my Dad : One from me and one from my penis people.  One for my Brother in Law : Signed by the whole family (actually, I forged all the signatures in an effort to be quick) because I couldn’t find an “uncle” card.  I picked out a card from the penis people, which was easy enough since their seems to be an over-abundance of Dad cards in this Father’s Day section.

Then shit got suddenly really real.  In the midst of all the turmoil currently ensuing, for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how to proceed?  Do I get a card for him?  Do I just say fuck it and skip it?  I was most decidedly undecided.  It seemed wrong that after 13 years of marriage, 24 years of relationship, 8 years of co-parenting and two adorable penis people, I should just skip it.  On the other hand, a card could far too easily contain words that might be deemed untrue and might give the impression that things were going to be ok.

And as I stood there, dumbfounded by my own lack of card selecting skills, I wished longingly for an “alternative” card selection.  Can you just imagine how much simpler things would be if Hallmark employed someone snarky and bitchy like ME to write cards for pain in the ass situations like THIS?

Imagine for a moment……..

“Happy Father’s Day to the guy who gave me two wonderful children…….and lots of headaches because you are such a pain in the ass”

“Happy Father’s Day to my Childrens’ Dad…..I didn’t want to get you a card but I felt obligated to”

“Fathers Day is a time to reflect…….on how much I wish you were a normal person”

“You’re the BEST dad ever……..except when I’m pissed at you……then….you just totally suck”


Of course, I could extend out my skills even further………


“So sorry to hear your mother died just recently…..she should’ve died sooner because she was SUCH an evil bitch”

“Heard you’ve not been feeling well……..damn STDs…..feel better soon”

“Congratulations on your new job………remember to grease that pole BEFORE you slide down it”

“A New Home…….hopefully you can afford this one”

“A new baby to love……..who’s the babydaddy”

“Best wishes on your recent engagement…… his penis as small as the rock he gave you”

“On your Wedding Day……..remember that ‘Til Death Do Us Part is only as long as you want it to be”

“Thank you……for being such a douche bag that I’ve sworn off men forever and am changing teams”

“We will miss you………just as long as you STAY AWAY forever”

“Happy Anniversary…….and by HAPPY I mean grab a six-pack and some porn and ENJOY”

“Happy Birthday………you look far too old to be alive still”


I could really enjoy something like that…..writing the greeting cards that all of us WISH existed when we have some really mean shit to say.  But alas, greeting card companies are geared up to provide sappy bullshit for a premium price.  And all of us suckas play right in to their evil and demented plan.  DAMN IT ALL ANYWAY!


And yes….I did buy him a card!