First and foremost, I find myself feeling inexplicably guilty that I’ve not posted a single blog in QUITE some time.  Its summer vacation bitches and summer vacation generally finds me both overwhelmingly frazzled and perpetually relaxed.  And when my brain is simultaneously frazzled and relaxed, it just leaves me lying prone on the couch most nights, vegging out to shitty reality shows that I’m fanatical about and noshing on junk food.  Don’t judge!  Obviously, not an ideal situation to be blogging, since I’m generally in a food coma and not feeling all sparkly and funny.  But I’m back and ready to tell the tales of my summer of shit.  Hypothetical shit.  Proverbial shit. Literal shit.

 

When you live in a home with wee penis people and a Dick, you find that much of your mundane existence revolves around shit.  When you find yourself surrounded by testosterone fueled beings, you will almost always find that they will have never-ending discussion about shit….conversations that you will find YOURSELF dragged into as well, no matter how hard you try to avoid it.  You spend an considerable amount of time dissecting it (ok….usually NOT LITERALLY, except for that one time when wee penis people swallowed pennies and I was hoping in vain that he might just shit them out….ewwww!)……its origins……its composition.  Very young penis people can often becomes fountains of useless information about all things regarding shit.

 

My penis people are both fascinated and disturbed with the things that emerge from their body…..and JUST CAN’T WAIT to tell momma ALL ABOUT IT!  Even the Dick often stumbles from the latrine, foulness wafting from the entire general area, with a perfunctory “OH MY GOD, you should’ve seen THAT”.  Please dear Dick…..feel free to share just a little LESS.  M’kay….THANKS.

 

Between the potty training of the wee-ist of penis people (potty training can still BLOW ME but it’s progressing much better now) and the fucking idiot dog that we’ve adopted (damn it, I’d completely forgotten HOW MUCH large dogs SHIT) and the sharts that most certainly ensure my laundry pile will always smell like a derelict homeless shelter and the farts that smell EXACTLY like shitty asses and force you to check for sharts, I’ve succumbed to the peer pressure and have accepted the notion that shit is……well….shit!  You certainly can’t avoid it.  And so I’ve embraced it (ok…again…not LITERALLY…..eww!).  And I’ve morphed into a teenage boy who makes fart noises when people bend over and when I smell poop I don’t even get annoyed any longer…I just wonder which one of those wee penis people has shit himself today.  My MIL stepped in dog shit at our house just two days ago and proceeded not to notice and instead traipsed through my just cleaned house with just washed floors…..and I didn’t even feel the least bit desire to murder her.

 

And then…..in what can only be explained as an odd new way of entertaining ourselves (we’ve been married a thousand years and have ceased to be entertained by normal couple things)….the Dick and I have taken this absurd obsession with the shit in our home to a whole other, very crude, level.

 

It started about a month ago when we were deep in the depths of fucking nightmare potty training.  Wee penis person was quite happy to shit himself rather than do the decent human thing and use the fucking toilet.  Day in and day out, we could easily get him to piss with the promise of treats and prizes.  But he simply refused to take a shit in the ONE DAMN PLACE that shit is specifically designed to go.

 

And then one day, I found myself grocery shopping alone (I know RIGHT??!?!?…….YAY ME!).  Suddenly, my cell phone dings indicating an incoming photo.  I take a quick look (it’s the Dick and one of the penis people could have realistically set the house ablaze while he was in the bathroom taking his mega hour-long shits).   Yep….its shit alright!  However, I was thrilled to find out that wee penis person FINALLY took a shit in the toilet and the Dick marked the momentous occasion by snapping a photo and happily sending it to me.  And I’ll be the first to admit I did a lil happy dance right there in aisle four of the grocery store.  A happy dance for SHIT!!!  In my whole life I never DREAMED I would be that excited to see a photo of a tiny lil turd pop up on my phone.

 

Not long after, the older wee penis person called me into the bathroom….”Mom….you GOTTA see this”.  I knew what I might be in store for, as he’d just spent the better half of a SpongeBob episode hunkered down in the loo.  HOLY FUCKBALLS!  Did THAT really just come outta MY KID???  How was there even ROOM for THAT in his tiny little body.  What the FUCK did he eat today??  This seriously had to be the biggest turd I’d ever seen.  So I did the most logical thing I could think of…..I snapped a shot and promptly fired it off to the Dick at work.  He and his partner in crime are equally warped-minded individuals and he showed that photo to his partner like a proud papa displaying his kids straight-A report card.  The Dick and I had a longer text message conversation about that one crazy shit than we have had about damn near anything else in a really long while.

 

And so has begun our twisted little social experiment to see who can send the other the most disgusting/most heinous/most repulsive shot of our wee penis people’snatural body function.  Fucked up, right???  We are grown ass adults who have become positively shocked and astounded by the poop that exits our kids’ bodies.  Its bordering on obsessive. The wee penis people think it’s positvely HILARIOUS!  They are EQUALLY proud of the loads they be dropping and ask repeatedly “take a picture and send it to dad/mom”.  Ok, so I might possibly be creating small individuals that will morph into grown individuals that will have a warped sense of socially acceptable practices.

 

I am, at once, reminded of a fella named James Smitty, who was once a star penis pupil of Moms Who Drink and Swear (if you’ve still not found your way to Nikki and Moms Who Drink and Swear stop being a lazy ass, click the link and just doooowit already).  James was one of our very first penis people to be permitted access to our group and we loved the shit outta him (even though he obviously had a fake name and an even faker profile picture).  We were still kinda new and VERY trusting, not yet jaded by the dumb fucks that would sometimes find us.  He was funny and charismatic and told us pretty amazing stories.   Many of us moms were facebook friends with James.  I suspect that he stroked many a fragile ego every day.  THEN…..he started private messaging various moms and asking them about their pooping habits.  He was diligently trying to lure them into a very crazy conversation regarding poop and its apparent sexual fortitude for him.  If you simply ignored him……he kept asking.  Finally, we all started comparing notes and we promptly bounced his poop obsessed ass and banned him from the group FOR LIFE.  He went from star penis pupil to crazy as fuck borderline stalker far faster than we could have ever imagined.  We quickly became leery of new penis people asking to join (just in case he was trying to sneak back in).  We still talk shit about him sometimes (yeah….see what I did there).

 

The point is……its quite possible that by laughing my ass off at my rascally little penis people and their fucked up looking shits…..am I maybe creating a James Smitty in the making???  Did James’s mom maybe once do the same…….long before he beheaded her and placed her body in the freezer in their basement so that she would NEVER leave him?   Will my penis people think it’s TOTALLY normal to be so hilariously obsessed with poop?  Or is shit just meant to hold eternal comedic value?

 

Either way……..I think I need to remind myself to delete those hilarious shit photos off my phone.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements