Yes…I am most certainly aware that I’ve typed that incorrectly.

When you live with the Dick, who is perpetually gloomy and doomy, you have to face the fact that, for him, every single moment is a catastrophe waiting to happen.  I will say that, being married to the Dick for the last billion years or so (give or take a few), I understand his position here.  He is a police officer with seventeen years in a city that has the highest murder rate per capita, where folks kill one another for fun, where good people hide in their homes out of fear and children are murdered and no one seems to care.  That’s a fuck ton of gloomy doomy-ness to see day in and day out.  And so, you learn to try to combat his gloomy doomy ass with a never-ending dose of straight up optimism.

I used to attribute his constant foreboding to only his job. But I’ve come to see that the Dick and his momma are so similar in that they share this inherent need to be in a constant state of waiting for the “other shoe to drop”.  It can be mentally exhausting to deal with them both at the same time , trying to make them see the bright side when they are insisting on seeing so much negativity.  It is, mostly, an effort in futility to drag them kicking and screaming to the happy side of the world.

What does all this mean to me right at this very moment…..on the precipice of a brand new year???  I’ve always loved the beginning of a new year.  There are a multitude of opportunities to make your life amazing.  Its a moment to reflect on all the things the previous year brought you, whether it be pain or sadness or never-ending joy and prosperity.  And whether your previous year was good……horrible…..or teetering precariously somewhere in between, you have to be cognizant of the fact that YOU MADE IT THROUGH and you’re still here to talk about it.

2013 was quite an amazing year for myself and the penis people.  And even if some of the examples that come to mind SEEMED difficult and jam-packed with strife…..I am nothing if always the eternal optimist.  I accept that shitty shit happens to good people, I understand that sometimes life sucks a giant bag of smelly donkey balls and then…..I pick myself up….brush myself off…..and move along.

The very beginning of 2013 found me preparing to raise money and shave my head for St. Baldricks and pediatric cancer research.  I spent the first two months of 2013 wondering if I really was prepared for the new, bald me.  By March, my head was shaved and I was summarily overwhelmed with how awesome the people in my life are…..because so many gave so much and it was simply moving.  As well, I came to the realization that ITS ONLY HAIR.  It grows back (slowly……oh so very slowly) and you move along.  But for all the kids whom Cancer has stolen….for the kids who survived but lost their entire childhood while they fought…..for the families who’s lives will never be the same, me shaving my head and the money that was so graciously donated because of it means SO MUCH more.  It means that ONE DAY there will be more research for cures.  And maybe…..just ONE DAY….there won’t be a child who dies of Cancer.

Middle of 2013, it would have appeared that a black storm cloud was hanging out, chilling just over my head.  Myself and my intern innocently parked our vehicles outside our office building on a busy nearby street.  We were working inside, toiling away at the days tasks.  (((CUE LOUD CRASH HERE)))  Stunned, we wandered outside to find our PARKED vehicles were not where we’d left them.  TOTALED…..BOTH!  It was simply to preposterous to comprehend.  But ya know what…… surely could’ve been worse.  We could have been IN those mangled heaps of metal left behind.  Someone could have been seriously injured or killed.  But it was ONLY a car.  And while the Dick couldn’t help himself but try to make me feel badly about it, the eternal optimist in me refused to let it shake my core.

Yep…it sucked to have to go out and get another used car.  I had fleeting moments of “Dude…this wasn’t even MY damn fault”.  But I couldn’t help but realize that I was lucky that I could AFFORD to get another car only a few days later.  So when, two weeks after that crazy crash took my ride, I found myself starting my new(er) car and hearing some deafening sound that I was pretty damn sure wasn’t supposed to be there, I had to take a moment to settle myself.  Within moments at the repair shop, I was informed that someone stole my damn catalytic converter.  MOTHER FUCKER…….Really?!?!?!?   This pill was just a little harder to swallow….mostly because I couldn’t even fathom going home and telling the Dick.  Part of me just wanted to hope that whoever stole it was using the $50 they’d earned (on a part that would cost upwards of $600 for repair) was using the money to feed their hungry kids.  And yet another part of me couldn’t help but laugh.  Seriously…….laughed my ass off.  At this point, I figured that there was no where to go but up.  This time, the Dick handled it well (I personally think he was just too shocked to respond in his normal fashion).  And I’m lucky that I know some pretty amazing people who do car repairs and let me make payments.

Finally….October found me desperately worried for the wee penis person.  After one week of showing some symptoms of having some pretty severe diabetic issues, I decided one night just before his bedtime to spot check his blood sugar (being Diabetic myself, I used my own meter).  I was only slightly surprised to find it was 572…..critically HIGH.  I suppose its safe to say now that I knew in my heart that all that extra pissing and thirst wasn’t normal.  And so….instead of tucking my wee penis person into bed and settling in for the night, I was hauling ass to the Emergency Room.  In the 20 minutes it took me to drive, his number climbed well over 600.  While I sat, helplessly watching them work on my baby and berating myself for not noticing…..not responding…..faster, doctors told me that we were LUCKY.


Hmmmm….had I heard that right?  Yep…I sure did.  Had I put him to bed like I’d first planned to, he would likely not have woke.  At the rate his tiny body was producing all that excess sugar, he would have slipped into a diabetic coma in the night.  Damn right, I KNEW we were lucky!  So while the Dick fumed at God for bringing Diabetes to our son, I was thanking God for have the foresight to check, for being LUCKY enough to be Diabetic myself and having a meter ready to use.   I lay that night in the PICU with my wee penis person, trying to find a comfortable spot in the hospital bed designed for toddlers, stroking his blond hair while he slept and knowing that my attempting to sleep would be useless, and I counted my blessings.  Yes….it would suck for my child to have Diabetes at the tender age of three.  But he was STILL HERE……….and everything else would just work itself out.

And so, I look to a new year with the clarity of a mom who tries to see the brighter side of things.  I understand fully that life is always gonna be full of shitty shit.  But you have to be willing to look beyond the shitty and find the happy. I promise you that EVERY shitty thing has some sliver of silver lining.  So when things seem bleak and every silver lining seems to have a cloud perched right beyond it, pick yourself up….remind yourself that there are SO many others who would give their left tit to have your problems and then move along.

Happy New Year peckerheads……..may your 2014 days and nights be filled with peace….love……and all the booty calls you’d like.