I have always contended that living with penis people and the Dick can be incredibly gross.  Like…….Gross with a capital G.  Like GAH-ROSS!  Friends that have non-penis people insist that girls are just as gross too.  I will continue to dispute this vehemently.  Furthermore, I believe that penis people and non-penis people are BOTH gross, but in very different and distinguished ways. 


Exhibit A :  My two nutty penis people and the Dick like to play a game called “Butt Face”.  I promise you that it sounds JUST as stupid as it actually is.  The object of the game is to find any unsuspecting person (NEVER momma…..cause momma is ALWAYS watching everything AND everyone diligently) and sit on their face and fart…..THEN wiggly-giggly thy ass around whilst taking great care to distribute the funky skunky stank evenly. 


There are no clearly defined winners or loser……well…..maybe they are ALL losers.  Because even if you WIN you’ve still only managed to wipe your stinky ass all over the other person and forced them to smell Yo ass.  LOSER with an L-shaped finger.  I am thoroughly confused as to what the attraction is with this particular game.  It just seems like a whole lotta nonsense and I clearly just….don’t….GET…it.  But as sure as I’m sitting here typing this right now…..there is a Butt Face game a-brewing amongst the penis people and the Dick.  They are literally twitching with anticipation of Butt Facing one another.  And I’m just shocked that we haven’t had far more cases of pink eye in this overly Butt Faced house.


Exhibit B : Boogers……..they are EVERYWHERE.  And not just in the normal places where you would expect to find them, like a nose or the sleeve of a dirty shirt.  Often, the penis people find it Hi-FUCKING-larious to mine their nose gold and then promptly transplant it on to someone else.  FOR FUN!  I could literally paper the house with tissue on every available surface and it would matter not.  They would still deposit that funk-a-junk on one another…….and then promptly scamper off, laughing at their amazing ability to transplant their boogers so quickly and efficiently.  And when they aren’t depositing those filthy lil booger buggers on one another (or ACK! me)……they wipe them on walls……on floors…….on toys.  I once went in to do my monthly decontamination of Nick’s room and backed into something hard, sharp and poking the shit outta my ass on the wall behind me.  What to my wondering eyes should appear???????  Well, I can promise you it wasn’t Santa and his eight tiny reindeer.  Had it been Santa and those rascally reindeer, I probably would have been less shocked. 


NOPE!  This particular penis person had created an art museum worthy sculpture of boogers on the wall.  And then, as all boogers must obviously do, it dried up into a pointy lil rock of boogers.  I can only say that I assume boogers must obviously dry up.  I really have no clue.  I’ve never had a booger hang around ME long enough to know this for sure.  In my attempt to eradicate this particular mound of boogers from the wall, I broke a tissue-encased fingernail AND lost all faith in the idea that my penis people would one day be productive members of society.  Staring at that disgusting booger…..and half thinking it was snarling right back at ME…..I resigned myself to the fact that I’m likely going to be caring for them long into adulthood.  They will probably live in my basement, wiping booger bombs on the walls.


Exhibit C : Why must they ALWAYS touch their damn penis?????  I can only assume that the touching of personal junk in strictly a penis person thing (and NOT because they are the ones with a penis).  Seldom have I seen a girl touching her girly bits unconsciously.  Not even BOOBS get this much unyielding attention.  And boobs are generally bigger, softer, squishier and FUN (sorry, couldn’t bring myself to say FUNNER)!  Ok, so to be fair, I most definitely don’t HAVE a penis, so maybe I’m just missing the obvious attraction here. 


But seriously…..  The Dick and the penis people spend a great deal of time mindlessly handling their nether-regions.  It borders on embarrassing (AS IF they could be embarrassed).  As it relates to Exhibit B….I worry that one day they will be arrested for erroneously touching themselves in public and will face weiny wagger charges and then I will be the mom of a person on the sex offender list.  NO FUCKING WAY! 


The other day wee penis person was having a playdate with my friend’s daughter.  Her lil not-penis person came upstairs and informed us that wee penis person had HIS penis out and about in the playroom.  OK….they’re three.  It wasn’t DEF-CON FIVE worthy.  And I correctly guessed he was probably touching it and it managed to escape.  So I bellowed for wee to bring him and HIS wee upstairs PRONTO.  Then I promptly told him if his penis didn’t remain in his pants where it belonged I would chop it off and throw it away and he would be forced to urinate from his mouth forever-more.  OK…..so I have no idea where all the Lorena Bobbit nonsense dropped from, nor do I have the slightest idea if he even really understood what I was telling him.  But looked appropriately scared and sorry and there was no other instance of a penis being displayed.  SCORE for the momma!


And so…..I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will frequently be yelling for the penis people to stop Butt Facing/Boogering/Touching Their Penis for the rest of my remaining sane days.  I will promise myself that I will try to instill a little bit of dignity of self in them….though I will probably fail.  They are…..after all……a Dick and some penis people.  They will always do gross shit and I will always bitch about it.