As the mom of penis people and a woman married to the Dick, I’ve come to accept that my life and my home will encompass all things penis related. It will generally reek of testosterone. Things will often be messy. I’ve accepted this. There is very little that I can do but embrace it and move on.

However…….when you sit and try to soak away your day in a nice, toasty warm bath, steam swirling your troubles away and a good book transporting your brain to someplace far beyond your mundane existence…..and the smell of stale urine permeates your oasis. Well…..enough of this penis fest and all that grossness. I’ve spent the last few days bleaching and scrubbing every thing I could think of that might be holding this odor. I even bleached the very deep, dark recesses of the back of the toilet, a place so grimy that no one should ever have to go there alone and unarmed. I went through a whole container of cleaning wipes until that shitter sparkled……GLEAMED even. I thought that I’d battled hard and I’d won. I was WRONG!

That disgusting smell continued to waft around me.

Now, to be clear, I’m completely used to cleaning up after the penis people. I’ve accepted that my lot in life is to constantly trail along behind them, bucket o’ cleaning products in hand. I’ve accepted that, no matter how hard I’ve tried to correct their incorrectness, the penis people will generally piss as if they swirling around in a tornado while doing so. They will see that big giant circular waste receptacle, and promptly view it as a challenge to do whatever is required to miss it entirely. Even the Dick seems unable to resist marking his nearby territory like a fucking dog. The actual dog (also with a penis) probably pisses with far better accuracy. I’ve accepted this. I actually avoid this bathroom, opting instead to go to my happy place, the smaller girly bathroom. The only problem with the smaller girly bathroom is that there is no shower, which means I either take a whore bath in the sink or brave the penis room. And this was where I was encountering my biggest issue. There is NOTHING more disgusting that running a bathtub full of steamy watery goodness, settling in for some peace and quiet and smelling hot stale urine. I might as well have been BATHING in piss, the odor was THAT strong.

And while I’d been busy scrubbing and bleaching and cleaning, it never once occurred to me that the cloth shower curtain might be the offender. The shower curtain, easily a good five inches or more from the fucking toilet, was soaked in piss. Are you fucking SERIOUS?!?!?!!? Were they intentionally AIMING for that bitch? Because I simply cannot fathom any other way that this found itself soaked in piss. Its never even in the direct line of fire. Seriously…..WHAT……THE…..FUCK!

I’m convinced that this is one of those key reasons that justifiable homicide is justifiable. Since I have girly bits and have ALWAYS been a sitter on the shitter, I find it mildly irritating that I even have to clean these sloppy messes. Mildly irritating……but I do it because, frankly, no one else here (with a penis) will give a shit enough to do it themselves. I’m certain that the only end to this madness is to re-train the young penis people to sit when they piss, thereby avoiding the mess entirely.

I’ve done some research (because the internet is AWESOME and you can google just about ANYTHING). I’ve discovered that there is no necessary reason, medically speaking or otherwise, for people with a penis to stand while pissing. NONE! I while I have no idea who started this or why it was deemed a good idea, its completely pointless. I’m proposing a movement for all my tired momma friends. Let’s stage a mutiny……..let’s teach our sons to piss sitting down, in a effort to undo all the messy nonsense that is inherently just so wrong. No more sitting in puddles of piss… more cleaning and scrubbing errant sprinkles of tinkles. We, the moms of the world, CAN CHANGE THIS!

Because I, for one, am pissed about all the piss I’m dealing with.