The Dick and I have always tried to be very open and honest with the penis people about the differences between boys and girls.  We encourage questions in an age appropriate manner and respond with discussions that are evenly sprinkled with correct terminology and some funny references to the slang that they might encounter. Thanks to the plethora of popular songs about bringing booty back and dropping it like its hot, there are a myriad of opportunities to adequately blow the lines of  communication wide open. And I’m perfectly OK with that. I don’t overtly censor what those nutty penis people listen to or watch. And let’s face it……in this time of overly sexed EVERYTHING its not hard to find vaguely disguised sexual references in just about everything.

Because we have always been SO open and honest…… imagine my surprise when the oldest penis person kicked off a conversation with “remember when you were a little boy…….” What the what?!?!?!  Um……dear child of mine…… momma was NEVER a boy. Exclamation point. I took a moment to wax philosophical on the fact that it would be genecticaly impossible for me to have given birth to two beautiful babies if I hadn’t ALWAYS had girly bits. He asked if I was sure I had always been a girl. Um……hold on while I contemplate that for a moment to guarantee my certainty……um…..YEP!   No penis here.

Just a short while afterwards, in an entirely different conversation on an entirely different day, I was ever so patiently reminding the wee penis person for the hundredth millionth billionth time that it is completely unacceptable to touch your own junk in public when he said “don’t you remember what it was like to have a penis??”  Desperately trying to ignore the quizzical glances and amused chuckles from nearby restaurant patrons (yes….restaurant patrons…..I bet they hadn’t anticipated such interesting dinner conversation….. you’re welcome restaurant patrons) I took a deep breath and gently tried to remind wee penis person that I’ve never had the pleasure of owning my very own penis. He seemed unconvinced. In his limited little piece of the planet, our home, everyone has a penis……apparently including momma. In his tiny little mind all the people have penises. And while it seems incomprehensible to me…..I grudgingly can understand his reasoning.

So……evidence certainly supports the idea that additional conversations need to take place regarding the differences between boys and girls. God help me….I may need several flasks of liquid happiness to find the balls to adequately explain what a vagina is. While I’m sure its a little too soon for the “how babies are made” conversation….. I can’t have the penis people walking around hopped up on false facts.

Ive been dreading this conversation for years now. I was marginally sure that the penis people knew I was a girl and that girls don’t have penises (I assumed this because I haven’t pissed alone in 9 years and counting and inevitably when I shower or get dressed its never uninterupted).

I guess the moral of this story is that its never too soon to engage your child in conversations about sex and sexuality. And ’tis not a singular, one time conversation. Its an ongoing mish mosh of uncomfortableness that is part of parenting. Not one of the fun parts of parenting and parenthood…. but one of the most important and necessary parts that you simply need to muddle through.   ((((Quietly passes the flask))))

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