Archive for December, 2014


Happy holidays from Life with Penis People!

While all of us are in the midst of the holiday madness, I thought I would supply a few simple steps that you can take to simplify your holiday experience.  Some things will work for everyone…some will work for no one but my evil ass.  Feel free to tailor them as needed for yourself.

  • Holiday Christmas Cards – First and foremost, stop sending them to motherfuckers that don’t send YOU one.  Think of all the hassle and postage you will save just with this simple step alone.  Unless the person you don’t receive one from is your elderly Grandmother.  You GOTTA send that bitch one whether you receive one or not.  But just look at it as an investment…into the inheritance you might receive one day.
  • Shop on-line – While I would normally say do ALL of your shopping on-line, I was recently involved in that huge Kmart debacle (read the full story here http://dailysavings.allyou.com/2014/12/17/kmart-layaway/), so I would suggest doing MOST of it online and NOT using Kmart layaway because Kmart can officially suck my pretend penis for all the hassle and stress they caused me.  Shopping on-line has its definite advantages.  You can stay home in your filthy pjs and messy hair, happily looking like a hobo, and no one is the wiser.  Plus, its saves you from having to deal with cranky bitches at the stores……and maybe even the bail money you would need when you pummel the cranky bitches.  Win-win-win!
  • Gift cards – If you MUST venture out into the stores and find yourself clueless about what to buy Uncle Touchy Feely, simply get a gift card and let him figure that shit out for himself.  Plus…..no one gives out extra creepy hugs for a fucking gift card.  This stellar plan of action works especially well for people you don’t really like enough to put thought into a gift for, but you are obligated to at least care A LITTLE.  The Gift Card convey EXACTLY that sentiment.
  • Teacher gifts – DO NOT MAKE teacher gifts.  I know Pinterest is REALLY quite popular right now and you can find about a BILLION things to make that seem SO EASY.  Forget it!  By the time you estimate the cost of materials and the amount of hassle that will inevitably ensue, you could’ve bought the bitch a nice bottle wine while you were picking up some for yourself.  Side note – Teacher friends tell me that Teachers HATE homemade gifts…..especially food related home-made gifts (think cookies, fudge, etc).  How do they know you don’t pick your nose…..or your ass.  They cannot blindly trust the cleanliness standards in any given home.  And trust me, after dealing with your kids, hopped up on excitement about the holidays and high on sugar from the class party, a nice chilled bottle of wine will let her know you understand her pain and appreciate her immensely.
  • The Holiday Menu – You know how EVERY family has that one fucking overachiever who wants to do EVERYTHING?!?!?!  For God’s sake….LET THEM!  Nothing makes them happier than to be in charge of everything…..and you can relax with that bottle of wine that you’ve previously purchased.  How can this go wrong??? Bonus points if they can cook moderately well.  If they cannot, just blame them for the food poisoning.
  • Over extending yourself for parties and gatherings – Sometimes, you just HAVE to say NO.  During this time of year, when holiday parties abound and everyone wants you to come to theirs, you MUST perfect the art of a pre-determined excuse. I’m graciously going to provide you one….. Just tell every single invite that you are feeding the homeless that day (doesn’t matter what day…..you can feed the homeless any day of the week).  No one can argue with such a noble thing.  And you get extra-attah boys for being so fucking good and kind.  Then park yourself in your previously mentioned filthy pjs and watch A Christmas Story (worry not, I promise you it WILL be on SOMEWHERE).  Just a friendly reminder…..stay the FUCK off Facebook if you’ve skipped a party to feed the homeless…..because you are far too busy to post and could effectively blow your own lazy ass cover if you’re not careful.
  • Being sober – Being sober is the number one reason that people find themselves stressed out during the holiday.  Holidays, and the annoying family that accompanies them, are not meant to be attempted sober.  There is a reason that liquor sales dramatically spike in December.  Take advantage of all the sales and specials on liquor right now.  Stock up…..Drink up!  You’ll be far more jolly and far less likely to stress about shit if you are slightly inebriated.

Hope that you find these tips helpful as you trudge through the final days of this holiday season.

Happy Holidays from the Dick, the penis people and myself!

Oh Christmas Tree

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** DISCLAIMER ** There are going to be a shit ton of grammatical errors in this post. I’m just being kind and preparing you for it.  The computer is positively fucked….. the Penis people’s tablets are only half ass working…. I’m typing this on my phone.  Do you have any idea what a pain in the absolute ASS typing a blog on your phone is? 

Recently,  my friend Joanna posted a photo of her holiday tree. As a momma of two wee penis people of her own,  she marveled at the notion that her tree was really no longer hers….. it belonged to her penis people, decorated entirely by their wonderful little imaginations. Complete with race car track beneath and even a giant hand written letter perched carefully on the tree branches, kindly warning Santa to beware of their killer dog (a small adorable pup that could literally fit in the palm of my hand).

I took a moment to reminisce about the trees of my Christmases past.  Those days before kids,  when the a Dick and I would carefully decorate the tree.  Color coordinating bulbs and ribbons. A new and different theme each holiday.

How positively BORING!

There was nary a hand made ornament….. not a single cluster of bulbs grouped together haphazardly.  Not a single paper chain or popsicle stick sled or clothes pin Rudolph. 

And somehow, thinking back on those trees decorated “just so”…..I can’t help but think how much better my trees and decorations are now.  There is so much life in each decoration.  So many memories.  And while those “before penis people” trees were most certainly pretty,  they weren’t NEARLY as magical as my “after penis people” trees.

Those trees….. spanning all those years….. are a lot like life. The “then” and the “now”.

I’m sure that Joanna and every other momma I know would agree… THEN was wonderful….. quiet and cozy and organized and coordinated. NOW is loud and chaotic and disorderly….. but NOW is wonderful too. In a very different, BETTER wonderful  kind of way.

image

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** DISCLAIMER ** There are going to be a shit ton of grammatical errors in this post. I’m just being kind and preparing you for it.  The computer is positively fucked….. the Penis people’s tablets are only half ass working…. I’m typing this on my phone.  Do you have any idea what a pain in the absolute ASS typing a blog on your phone is? 

Recently,  my friend Joanna posted a photo of her holiday tree. As a momma of two wee penis people of her own,  she marveled at the notion that her tree was really no longer hers….. it belonged to her penis people, decorated entirely by their wonderful little imaginations. Complete with race car track beneath and even a giant hand written letter perched carefully on the tree branches, kindly warning Santa to beware of their killer dog (a small adorable pup that could literally fit in the palm of my hand).

I took a moment to reminisce about the trees of my Christmases past.  Those days before kids,  when the a Dick and I would carefully decorate the tree.  Color coordinating bulbs and ribbons. A new and different theme each holiday.

How positively BORING!

There was nary a hand made ornament….. not a single cluster of bulbs grouped together haphazardly.  Not a single paper chain or popsicle stick sled or clothes pin Rudolph. 

And somehow, thinking back on those trees decorated “just so”…..I can’t help but think how much better my trees and decorations are now.  There is so much life in each decoration.  So many memories.  And while those “before penis people” trees were most certainly pretty,  they weren’t NEARLY as magical as my “after penis people” trees.

Those trees….. spanning all those years….. are a lot like life. The “then” and the “now”.

I’m sure that Joanna and every other momma I know would agree… THEN was wonderful….. quiet and cozy and organized and coordinated. NOW is loud and chaotic and disorderly….. but NOW is wonderful too. In a very different, BETTER wonderful  kind of way.