Recently, I found myself the lucky recipient of what I can only assume was an accidental insult. The offender was all sorts of appropriate remorse and horrified by her inaccurate assumption.  I’m never usually offended by someone’s inaccurate assumptions about me. And I suppose out of all the inaccurate assumptions that stand to be made…. Knocked up is a fairly minor one. But it still kinda stung no matter how absolutely apologetic she was. Yep…. SHE! And a SHE should know better than HE that this question was not only inappropriate but also, quite frankly, rude.

Therefore, I feel compelled to offer the following (stupid simple) advice. Never….. Ever…. Ask a woman you don’t know really well when she’s due. DUE…. as in you assume she is expecting.  Clearly….. You have a 50/50 chance at being absolutely wrong. I know that this statement seems worthy of the regular common sense category. But according to what I’ve discovered on my Facebook page when I posted about it…… This seems to happen more often than not.

You know I’m seldom rendered speechless….. It’s just not coded into my DNA.  But my temporary mute moment allowed me an opportunity to ponder when it became OK to ask such intensely personal questions. Whack me with the stupid stick but I just assume that if someone is on the fluffy side and hasn’t expressed their joy of impending parenthood, there’s a pretty good chance they’re JUST PLEASANTLY FLUFFY and I should not be a dick and fuck up their PLEASANTLY FLUFFY mojo.

While I don’t generally have issues with negative body images, to know that you very much resemble a person growing another human….. All while YOUR “baby” just recently graduated preschool and is now kindergarten bound….. Sort of pissed me off. I mean…. Not enough for me to actually contemplate a diet or some such nonsense…. But pissed off none the less. I really wasn’t in the mood for the verbal drive-by.

While I’ve ALWAYS EMBRACED both my inner AND outer fat girl…. I seldom spend this much time contemplating my weight. Are my clothes often a wee bit snug….. SURE.  Do I sometimes start mulling over my thoughts about my lunch options WHILE EATING BREAKFAST…. Definitely. Do I sometimes eat my feelings….. For fucking certain.  And I’m OK with all of that.

Truly….. I think I was far more concerned pissed that I hadn’t had a killer comeback waiting in the wings of my evil brain at precisely the right moment. Seriously….. I might be losing my touch. Now THAT’S troubling.

Lucky for me….. My awesome friends are ALWAYS prepared to provide back up snark for the next time….. And I know there WILL be a next time because people suck and I really like food.

Several posted several variations of equal parts bitch and snark….while (let’s pretend) gently reminding them they ain’t so thin themselves. Some suggested using humor to diffuse the situation by noting that my kids live on the outside of my body now.  Loved the “yep….. I’m expecting…. An APOLOGY.” But that might be a little too passive for me in my general state of I don’t give a fuck.

But I think my favorite was from my Aussie friend Rach..who provided just the right balance of deranged lunacy and facetious retort….. who suggested fessing up to carrying triplets…. Then whispering “would you like to buy one”. Thanks Rach…. now I’m prepared.